It was a big year for bigots of all stripes, but particularly for anti-LGBT bigots. The U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to strike down 1996′s federal anti-LGBT statute — the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) — and declare California’s Proposition 8 unconstitutional inspired America’s anti-LGBT jerkwads to a whole new level of hateful excellence.
This year, they proclaimed that “traditional marriage” is in danger and that the LGBT shock troops are going to force everyone to get same sex married. They declared that Christians are going to be rounded up and put into camps (if only!) and that the future will be nothing more than a fabulous Gucci jackboot stamping on a human face…forever.
Here are Raw Story’s nominees for the Top Five anti-LGBT assholes of the year, as well as some mitigating factors about each one and our proposed punishments for each offender.
Mitigating factors: With a little training, she would make an excellent speed bump.
Punishment: A continued life of hairstyles from heterosexual stylists.
4. Justice Antonin Scalia: Truly, one of the finest judicial minds of the 15th century, our nation’s highest-ranking right wing troll wrote a shrill, hackish dissent to the historic decisions regarding DOMA and Prop 8 last summer. In it, he lamented our nation’s moral decline, played the part of persecuted Christian victim, said that the Court’s decisions were based on “legalistic argle-bargle” and pleaded for the return of Texas’ old-school anti-sodomy laws.
A Utah judge on Friday declared that that state’s 2004 ban on same sex marriages is unconstitutional and in his decision took specific aim at Scalia, taunting him and calling his legal arguments facile and absurd.
Mitigating factors: Wife doesn’t make Xanax-laced, early Sunday morning calls to Anita Hill.
Punishment: Pink, sparkly robes. Permanently assigned to translate Clarence Thomas’ opinions from the original crayon and erase the doodles of naked ladies and giant penises in the margins.
Punishment: Replacement of his regular enema with fast-hardening epoxy so that he will also be literally full of shit.
2. Bryan Fischer: Fischer, national spokesman for the American Family Association, lands on this list mainly for his absolute tirelessness. He is a deeply unoriginal man, sticking to an age-old litany of false accusations against LGBT people, that we’re mentally ill child molesters, that we’re anti-Christian and that the horrible, secular gay mafia is going to come to your house and break the legs of your end tables and force you to marry someone of your own sex.
But you’ve got to hand it to Bryan. He’s reliable. Every day he’s there on his Internet-only radio show, sawing away on the one issue he has, how much he hates LGBT people, how mean and fascistic we are and how terrifyingly powerful we have become.
Yes, this is America and everyone here has a right to say whatever half-witted, ignorant thing comes into their head, sure, but you can’t talk about LGBT people anymore like we’re not in the room. We’re going to talk back, and in the case of all the LGBT people at A&E who have been coordinating his interviews, publicizing his show and making him a very, very wealthy homeless-looking person, we might decide we don’t want to sign your checks anymore.
Mitigating factors: The only people we know who watch “Duck Dynasty” are horny bears.
Punishment: Bath and flea dip.
An honorable mention must go to the entire country of Russia — which has proudly thrown off the repressive yoke of totalitarian communism and resumed its rightful place as the gay-bashing, trailer trash capital of Europe. We would also like to extend our sympathies to Alabama Tea Party blowhard state Sen. Dean Young, who ran for Congress on the platform that the Republican Party isn’t stridently anti-LGBT enough…and lost.
David Ferguson is an editor at Raw Story. He was previously writer and radio producer in Athens, Georgia, hosting two shows for Georgia Public Broadcasting and blogging at Firedoglake.com and elsewhere. He is currently working on a book.
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