If you are tired of hot Hollywood news stories that make you indescribably sad or angry/self righteous/shouty on the intertubes we have some salacious news for you. The kind of Hollywood news that is about glamorous people with more money than you and have better sexytime than you have ever had because their bodies are fabulous tireless pneumatic sex machines. Except, in this case, one of the bodies belongs to Hillary Clinton’s husband who used to be a big deal or something, or so I hear. Yeah, that guy. So in this case, maybe not hot body, more like very charming – but priapic – bread dough. Just hat roll that image around in your head for a while and then set it aside to proof.
According to Radar Online, which is TMZ for people who don’t move their lips when they read, they have heard very steamy recordings of ex-President Bill Clinton giving the “‘ole Lincoln log” to actress Elizabeth Hurley in the Lincoln bedroom at the White House. Probably while Hillary was in another room killing Vince Foster or hanging crack pipes on the White House
Christmas Holiday tree.
Under the headline:
Hurley’s Ex-Lover Caught On Bombshell Audio Recording Revealing Ex-Prez’s White House Sex Romps Behind Wife Hillary’s Back
We expected to read some hot transcript action like Bill Clinton hollering “Who’s your Big Dog? Yeah! Who’s your Big Dog?” while mounted upon the lovely star of EdTV (which we have never seen) and Permanent Midnight (which we have seen). Maybe we’d hear some barking in the background too. But, no. We misread the headline and it seems that the audio recording is actually a phone call made by actor Tom Sizemore (who has been in some movies that we have see and also have not seen) who used to date Elizabeth Hurley.
[See Sizemore update at the bottom of the post]
At this point we will stop and wonder why Elizabeth Hurley ever dated Tom Sizemore because, c’mon, she’s Elizabeth Hurley and he’s Tom Sizemore. Oh well, as Woody Allen once said, “The heart wants what the heart wants” not that that has turned out so well for him.
Okay Tom Sizemore, spill the sexy beans:
We walk in,” Sizemore says on the tape, when suddenly Clinton, then in his second-term of office, asked point-blank, “Did you go with Liz Hurley for four years? Do you still see her?”
When Sizemore confirmed they had dated but were no longer together, he says the President asked for her number.
Stunned at the suggestion, Sizemore admitted to being somewhat hesitant to dole out the digits, but claims Clinton insisted: “Give it to me. You dumb mother*****r, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The buck stops here. Give me the damn number.”
That is how I always thought Bill Clinton spoke when he was Not-presidenting. “Yeah I want to super-size those fries, you dumb mother*****r, I’m the Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America. The dollar menu stops here. And give me some damn ketchup packets.” Leadership, as Ron Fournier might say.
Please go on, guy-who-was-lucky-enough-to make-the-sex-with Elizabeth Hurley.
The actor obliged, but before dialing, he says the President was already covering his tracks, thinking of his oblivious and long-suffering wife Hillary in the other room.
“[Clinton] said, ‘I’m going to say I asked you about your uncle, Ted Sizemore, who played professional baseball,” Sizemore recalls. “That’s the lie. Don’t forget it.’”
Of course, Bill Clinton’s amazing computer brain recalled that Tom Sizemore was the nephew of baseball player Ted Sizemore. Everybody knows that, duh. Probably even Elizabeth Hurley which is why she let Tom Sizemore play with her perfect boobs. It all make sense now.
Then, Sizemore recounts, Clinton dialed, wasting no time in getting down to dirty business with the stunning brunette, now 48.
“Elizabeth, this is your Commander-in-Chief,” Clinton said to the actress, who played Vanessa Kensington in the 1997 hit Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery.
And though Hurley at first thought it was a joke, she played coy, but the President wouldn’t take no for an answer!
Clinton said, “Listen Elizabeth, this is the President!” Sizemore recalls. “‘I don’t have any time for this ****. I‘m keeping the world from nuclear war all the time. I’m sending a plane to pick you up.”
And, even though hillbilly President Bill Clinton never thought it would happen to him, he got to have sex with Elizabeth Hurley just like in that letter he never had time to mail to Penthouse Forum.
…which , no doubt, harshed Bill Clinton’s daydreams today. But what kind of ‘serious’ political site would find this story instructive?
Maybe the guys at The National Review.
You are likely to see a lot of stories like this one in the coming years, alleging previously unreported reckless sexual behavior on the part of Bill Clinton while he was in the White House. Some rivals of Hillary Clinton will see this as a liability for her increasingly likely presidential campaign. More than a few people will recall how public sympathy for her exploded during the Lewinsky scandal, and contend these sorts of allegations actually help her; she’s soldiering on during great hardship, etc.
I guess at this point, since they know they’re going to die anyway, they figured they’d go out in a blaze of fapping…
[UPDATE] Sizemore says it might have been the drugs doing the talking.
[Image "Elizabeth Hurley' via Shutterstock]