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Sorry, But Marrying Some Random Dude As Quickly As Possible Won’t Solve Anything

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, April 2, 2014 11:19 EDT
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Not married, ladies? Well, let’s go to the Husband Store and get you fitted with a to-go husband by sun fall!

Every time conservatives try to shut down discourse about poverty and other economic struggles by citing marriage as a cure-all, it honestly sounds stupider than the last time. The latest example from Mollie Hemingway, who was on a fuck-women panel held by the Heritage Foundation to “celebrate” Women’s History Month, is a real doozy. “Marriage has enabled elites to have a lot of money and stability. We should show concern in extending marriage to everybody so that everybody can benefit,” she said, apparently under the belief that it’s against the law to get married unless you are a Registered Elite. “Everybody go out right now, if you’re not married, go get married and that will solve all these problems.”

There you go, ladies: Go out right now and get married and watch all your money problems disappear! Man, it’s so simple, and yet for some reason, you and your dumb lady brains just haven’t figured it out yet. Put on your coat, grab you some lipstick, and I guarantee that by dinnertime tonight, you can be the proud user of the honorific “Mrs.”! Just pop on over to the Husband Store, where all your humanly needs—and you only really have one, for a husband—will be met!

“Welcome, welcome to the Husband Store, ladies and gentlemen! Just kidding, gentlemen. When we said we wanted to extend marriage to everyone, we didn’t actually mean everyone.

“We have a little something for all the ladies here at the Husband Store! Single dads, randy bachelors, video game geeks who will keep your couch warm, sports fans and bookish nerds, all available right here for the taking. Are some of you ladies hankering for a gym rat who might not be around a lot, but when he is, he’s all muscle? What about you ladies that just want someone who takes the trash out without being asked and whose ideal night is a night at home cuddling in front of Netflix? Sure, that one might cost a little more than most of you make with that 77 on a dollar, but we consider husbands an investment at the Husband Store.

“Looking for a grumpy middle-aged divorced man who loves Rush Limbaugh? We have tons of those in stock, ladies, and at bargain basement prices!

“What’s that you say, single moms? You’re looking for a stable man with a job who is nice to you and just loves kids? Well, we are miracle workers here at the Husband Store, and while we might not have enough of those to go around, we can help you with a payment plan to get one in your bed starting tonight! Hurry now, before they all run out!

“But if the price tag for those is making you blanch, may I refer you again to our grumpy middle-aged divorced conservative catalog? Seriously, ladies, they may not look like much, but some of these fixer-uppers might work out with a little elbow grease. We’ll throw in some marriage counseling for women who are willing to put a ring on it today!”

I mean, obviously the whole “go out and get married and all your problems will go away” bullshit is a transparent ploy to get away from talking about the real issues. But it’s getting increasingly transparent, is it not? The only people that this ploy probably appeals to on its surface are men who feel entitled to wives, and believe that women are obligated to lower their standards so they can have one. Everyone else, I have to assume, knows that marriage takes more than just saying, “Hey, I’m getting married today!” You have to find someone to marry.

Ironically, the whole argument of the panel was this really poorly evidenced claim that feminism makes people unhappy.  Pardon me if I’m skeptical that they give a fuck about happiness. The only way for everyone to run out and get married right away is to do so without any regard for who you are marrying and if they can make you happy, or even if they are going to ruin your life or abuse you. Bad, bad idea, and one that even a Husband Store cannot fix.

Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte
Amanda Marcotte is a freelance journalist born and bred in Texas, but now living in the writer reserve of Brooklyn. She focuses on feminism, national politics, and pop culture, with the order shifting depending on her mood and the state of the nation.
 
 
 
 
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