Stephen Colbert: Reaching Obamacare enrollment goal means ‘the terrorists have won’

By Scott Kaufman
Wednesday, April 2, 2014 7:54 EDT
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On last night’s Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert attacked conservatives for their conviction that enrollment in the Affordable Care Act would never reach its stated goal of seven million.

“They were never supposed to make it to seven million,” he said, before cutting to a montage of Fox News personalities insisting that they’d never make it. “The likelihood of them getting to that place,” one said, “is highly unlikely.”

Sean Hannity concurred, saying “We like to call this ‘Mission Impossible.’”

“There’s no way they’re going to get anywhere close,” said Karl Rove. “It just ain’t gonna happen.”

“It was only logical,” Colbert replied, “that if no one had signed up, no one would sign up. As everyone knows, past performance always indicates future results. That’s why I always play yesterday’s winning lotto numbers. And — may I point out — I have never lost yesterday’s lotto.”

Colbert then explained the enrollment surge, saying it “was all thanks to young adults signing up at higher rates. No one could have foreseen that college kids would put something off until the last minute.”

He acknowledged that the administration met their enrollment goal, then cut to another montage of Fox News personalities finding “a way to say they didn’t.”

“How many are young?” Colbert asked, repeating the Fox News spin. “How many have paid? What if their check doesn’t clear? What are numbers anyway but artificial constructs? And did you know that these are Arabic numerals? I mean, the ’3′ is just two Islamic crescent moons stacked on top of each other.”

“The terrorists have won,” he concluded.

Watch the entire episode via Hulu below.

Scott Kaufman
Scott Kaufman
Scott Eric Kaufman is the proprietor of the AV Club's Internet Film School and, in addition to Raw Story, also writes for Lawyers, Guns & Money. He earned a Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of California, Irvine in 2008.
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