2016 GOP hopeful releases hostage video with super easy solutions to super complex issues

By TBogg
Sunday, April 20, 2014 22:52 EDT
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The 2016 GOP presidential field is still shaping up with some considering jumping into the ring, while others have an obligatory autobiography written for them with a title like ‘Undaunted: My Journey of Faith and Freedom and More Freedom and Did I Mention Jesus?.’

Who is actually running? For the moment the safest answer is the one that Granny Grifter Sarah Palin would say, “All of them.”

Some conservatives are particularly enamored with Dr. Ben Carson, who is an honest to god no-bullshit for reals actual doctor who literally used to put his fingers in people’s brains and he is not a fake doctor like Dr. Phil or Monica Crowley.

Although he has no legislative background, Carson is attractive to conservatives because he is black (which is the new white) and he was not born in Kenya, although he was born in Detroit, but probably not the Muslim part in Dearborn.

Previously Carson has been prone to spouting occasional ‘out of context’ statements, like comparing universal and comprehensive healthcare without exception for per-existing conditions or economic status as “the worst thing since slavery.”

Or that time when he said that women need to “re-educated” because they’re all riled up and start abortin’ everything in sight because they think with their lady parts and not their lady smarts.

Hormones, they’re a helluva biochemical.

Also, too, remember when Carson said that gays shouldn’t get to steal the word ‘marriage’ like they stole ‘gay’ and if they did that would make them the moral equivalent of NAMBLA and dog-rapers?  Yeah, that was fun.

So, to buff and polish what some might call Carson’s ‘rough edges’ – or what you may call  ‘true colors’ – realbencarson.com has released a music video (see below) of a calm, and possibly sedated, Ben Carson explaining in very simple terms what he would do to save America from Godless healthcare slavery and roving gangs of aborting women and gay puppy rapists. No, the puppys aren’t gay. They’re still going through a transitional stage.

First off, Dr. Ben Carson would meet with each and every one of the 535 members of Congress and, over a nice modestly-priced cabernet, ask them to tell him about their hopes and dreams and desires while he stares soulfully into their eyes and occasionally reaches out and touches their hand  to let them know that he truly and deeply cares, and that there is ‘a real connection here.’

Afterwards Dr. President Ben Carson and his 535 soulmates would do the things that they all agreed about just like real people do in the real world.

So, for example, let’s say that  Carson and 535 Congressmen can agree that they are all  hungry and they should go out for a bite. Ben Carson says he feels like having Greek food,  but a Nebraska senator says they should all have steaks to support the cattle ranchers. Then a congressman from New York wants Italian because he needs their votes in the upcoming mid-terms, although Chinese also sounds good since they own all of our national debt anyway. Pretty soon someone says that the Mexican place on the corner is pretty good, but the entire Arizona and Texas delegation threatens a walk-out.  Marco Rubio suggests Cuban food, but Steve King tells him it’s still too close to Mexican food , and besides he’s just pandering to his Florida base. Next thing you know, everyone is at Denny’s waiting for a corner booth, because nobody ever goes to Denny’s, you end up there, and nobody is happy about it. Except for Trey Gowdy who likes the Moon Over My Hammy because it makes him laugh and “it’s real tasty, y’all.”

After that, and over pie and coffee, Dr. President Ben Carson gets them all to agree to reduce taxes on the wealthy which will reduce  the national debt,  and also to destroy Obamacare and hold hearings on Benghazi and the IRS and build the XL pipeline and declare war on some oil-producing country and gut the social safety net and ban abortions and force the gays back into the closet and put Jesus and Ronald Reagan on all of the currency and other stuff like that.

Because everyone is always really agreeable when they’re full, and pie and coffee has been served.

And that is how America will be saved by Dr. President Ben Carson.

Feel better now?


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