On last night’s Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert complained about Pope Francis’s statement that he would be amenable to baptizing Martians.
“Ever since he took over the Church,” Colbert began, “he’s been a little too welcoming to all God’s children. Just last year, he said ‘even atheists can go to Heaven.’”
“Great idea, Frank,” Colbert shouted. “First dogs, now atheists — what’s next? Presbyterians? The only benefit of them getting into Heaven was that I could walk up and say, ‘I told you so.’ That’s my idea of paradise.”
“Well now,” he continued, “‘Pope Moonbeam’ over here has driven his welcome wagon where it’s never been before, because at mass on Monday, he said, ‘If — for example — tomorrow an expedition of Martians came, and some of them came to us here…Martians, right? Green, with that long nose and big ears, just like children paint them…and one says, ‘But I want to be baptized!’ What would happen?”
“When the Lord shows us the way,” the Pope said in reply to his rhetorical question, “who are we to say, ‘No, Lord, it is not prudent! No, let’s do it this way…who are we to close doors?”
“You heard that right, folks,” Colbert said. “Pope Francis would baptize a Martian — of course, first he has to convert them from Scientology.”
Watch the entire May 14, 2014 episode of The Colbert Report via Hulu below.
Scott Eric Kaufman is the proprietor of the AV Club's Internet Film School and, in addition to Raw Story, also writes for Lawyers, Guns & Money. He earned a Ph.D. in English Literature from the University of California, Irvine in 2008.
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