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Never mind the bullets, here’s the ammosexuals

By TBogg
Sunday, June 1, 2014 13:39 EDT
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American men are a simple people.

They like their beer cold, their women hot, and their television shows stupid. America, for the most part, provides two out of three of those in abundance.

But it’s hard out there for a man these days, particularly if he is saddled with the curse of whiteness which is cause for employers to replace him with a woman who will work for 23% less,  or possibly a brown person who will work for minimum wage or even less with the threat of deportation. It’s getting so that a man can’t assert his manly manliness without a bunch of shrieking harpies hashtag-shaming him on Twitter, which can be very hurtful.

Some men, however, are not going to sit weeping in a darkened room, drinking ranch dressing straight from the bottle while listening to ‘I Am, I Said‘ on repeat. They’re not going to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous LOLing at them without going down in a fight.

And by ‘fight,’ I mean, parading around with their guns hanging out.

And by ‘guns,’ I mean their guns.

So that is why we have ‘open carry’ days where groups of men trade in their week-day uniform of polyester pants and 3 for $12 dress shirts with matching ties from Walmart, for easy-fit jeans, a t-shirt that used to fit, and a backward-facing ball-cap before heading out a to fast food place to  walk around carrying a gun in the noonday sun because …. freedom.

It also works as  good excuse when their wives tell to go mow the ‘goddam lawn,’ and they can reply, “Sorry Sugarhips, I have to save the Constitution today,” before marching out the door and into history. Or into a  Chipotle. One of those.

As a rule, it’s usually better to open carry as a group lest people think you’re some kind of gun loon out to slaughter a bunch of Little Leaguers solo instead of a guy who is such an asshole that even other gun nuts avoid him.  So, like women who go to restaurant bathrooms in groups, open carry guys need a gun buddy or two to tag along because a solo high-five is a sad high-five.

To date, open carry play-dates have not gone well because, as Open Carry Texas puts it, it’s hard to “To condition Texans to feel safe around law-abiding citizens that (sic) choose to carry them,” when some random lady can walk up to you in a Chili’s and call you a “Texas retard,” which is probably racist to somebody, I’m sure.

With Chipotle, Chili’s, and latte-liberal enclave Starbucks telling weekend pistol-packing patriots to pound sand, where can a man go to parade around in much the same manner the Founding Fathers once did in front of Ye Olde Seven-Elevene down at the strip mall?

That would be the bastion of all that is manly and good and smells like freshly cut 2×4′s known as Home Depot.

The goal of many in the group is the legalization of open-carry handguns in Texas. State law in general allows the open display of rifles and shotguns but not handguns.

To carry a concealed handgun requires a license.

“I’d much rather have a handgun on my hip,” said Mark Thompson, 54, of Garland. Instead, he attended Saturday’s rally with a Beretta semi-automatic rifle strapped across his back.

“We’re fundamentally changing America and changing Texas,” he said. “We’re letting people know they’re free.”

Although his weapon’s chamber was empty — all those at the rally were instructed to clear their guns’ chambers — Thompson’s gun had a loaded magazine attached. That, he said, was a matter of being prepared for any hostile activity.

“Every now and then we get some aggressive people toward us,” Thompson said. “We get so much hate, it’s incredible.”

Hopefully, if there is an altercation in a Home Depot — and not just some dumbshit who shoots himself in the ass — that ends in aisle-clearing hail of bullets because someone said something mean, it will be close to home-cleaning products aisle.

I hear Simple Green helps remove the blood of tyrants that is used to water the Tree of Liberty — which can be purchased, by the way in the gardening department.

Aisle four, right between the agapanthuses and the love-lies-bleedings

[Image Open Carry Texas Facebook]

 
 
 
 
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