Sarah Palin wants to be on The View. Make your own damn ‘Russia from my house’ joke

By TBogg
Monday, July 7, 2014 13:59 EDT
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So you want some hot Sarah Palin news? Of course you do, you clicked on the link. Don’t lie.

Well, since you’re here and since you asked so nicely, let’s get caught up on America’s favorite 7-year-long exploding-railcar-of-fertilizer career that is Sarah Palin, Snow Queen of the Northern Meth Tribes.

When we last left Sarah — because she will  never ever  leave us…. ever – she was threatening to go rogue with the Tea Partiers and party like it was 1776,  meaning she wouldn’t be able to vote, her not being a landowning white man. We applauded this maneuver because we love America as much as Sarah loves attention, only we’re not as obsessed with  it.

On the occasion of the Sportsman Channel picking up a second season of Sarah Palin’s Death Metal Critter Killin’ And Doin’ Other Stuff Hour, la Palin agreed to an email interview with the Hollywood Reporter because a real interview might have involved trick ‘gotcha’ questions like, “What’s your favorite color?” or “How many kids have you really birthed?,” because Andrew Sullivan is a big Hollywood Reporter fan.

So what did we learn? Stuff about her teevee show, and Hillary Clinton’s book, and how she wants to go on The View because Elizabeth Hasselbeck was never given the opportunity to dumb it down enough for America. Let’s get started…

What was your favorite show from season one?

It’s hard to pick just one because they all told such interesting and inspiring stories! But based on a lot of positive feedback…

blahblahblahbbity-blah. Just say “all of them, Katie,” and get it the hell over with. It is a time-tested, proven answer.

What are some of the activities/places you want to explore in season two?

We’re working on stories about people that go above and beyond to help others, really inspirational stuff that will encourage the entire nation. We’ve also got some amazing craftsmen lined up as well. I love showcasing skill and work ethic that deserves to be rewarded.

People doing shit, also, too, work ethic and not quitting  half way through because we have an hour to fill, less commercials for male catheters.

What television shows do you like to watch with your family?

My show. There are no other shows. Maybe also DVR’d episodes of my daughter clomping about like a concussed Clydesdale on a dance show. SHE WAS ROBBED!

Any interest in doing a political talk show, either on TV, radio or the Internet?

Oh, Jesus, here it comes.

Maybe. But the politics would have to be interspersed with a whole lot of fun and real life and inspiration showcasing American work ethic, because those topics are all pretty much the antithesis of today’s politics, which I find incorrigibly disastrous!

Okay. I can guarantee you that she used five words there that she has no idea what they mean, and I’ll spot you the first one: “work.”

Nevertheless, please proceed, half-term governor:

It’d be so much fun to shake it up taking on issues that make audiences objectively consider all sides, and I’d do it with my own real-life groundedness, candor and commonsense that I’m known for. Media needs that today, versus the condescension that oozes from TV and radio. I hear everyone recently got canned from The View, maybe a show like that needs a punch of reality and a voice of reason from America’s heartland to knock some humble sense into their scripts. You know, someone willing to go rogue.

After the stupefying star turn by Elizabeth Hasselbeck who proved to be so dumb that Fox hired her away to make Brian Kilmeade look like he was smart enough to be trusted with something sharper than a spork, and then filling Hasslebeck’s chair with Jenny McCarthy who is Typhoid Mary with boobs, and after keeping Sherri Shepherd around to cast doubt about whether the Earth is round…. I’d say America’s heartland has had more than enough know-nothing commonsense, short of Palin coming on to talk about how Bartles & Jaymes makes virgins pregnant, and here is proof: my daughter.

Finally…. mercifully:

Have you read Hillary Clinton’s book Hard Choices?

So far just the passage about me because an attorney sent the passage to me.

Knock me over with a feather. She’s read the part about herself.

They couldn’t attack my record as an executive, a Mayor, a Governor, an energy resources commissioner, nor a wife and mother, so ratcheting it all down she surmised the attacks would be based on gender! How passé. How mighty hypocritical. Hillary refused to engage. I appreciated her boldness in explaining that behind-the-scenes campaign tactic of Obama’s. I’ve since pointed out there’s no “war on women” if one doesn’t react to that immature shot across the bow from the Liberal Left like America saw during that entire campaign. Don’t retreat from such a shot. Just reload like I’ve been blessed to have the opportunity to do. And hey, I’m still standing! So flipping proud to be an American where I know first hand that anything is possible if you work hard, put your life in God’s hands, serve something greater than self, and live life vibrantly!

So weird that this was at the end. Usually word salad is served before the entrée.

Which is French, like ‘passé.’

Which Sarah Palin also could not define if you gave her a running start and a French dictionary…

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