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I do not have a giant gorilla fetish

By Rev. Ivan Stang
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 3:57 EDT
Angry gorilla via Shutterstock.com

I have a Lost Prehistoric Monster fetish. Also I have lately been studying some science books about the flora and fauna of Skull Island.

This is a depressing hobby, because Skull Island vanished beneath the waves in 1948, and the ONLY remains besides photographs are kept locked up in the Smithsonian — the bones of the unfortunate Megaprimatus kong (the very last of that species, it turned out) that was foolishly exhibited and then killed in New York in 1933.

I will admit to being sexually attracted to the fake movie character “King Kong” in the 2005 film of that title, but I know perfectly well that it’s just an uncannily real-looking CGI replica. I will never get to see a live Megaprimutus kong. I had to face that fact about dinosaurs and kongs when I was little. I’ll probably never live to see a live Martian either. At least I got to see a few stuffed ones in museums before the cover-up.

No, I’ll never get to see any of the evolved dinosaurs or insects of Skull Island except in jerky old movies and grainy black and white photos. I wish I could blame it on Man’s Greed or Global Warming or something, but I know perfectly well that the very thing that allowed the creatures there to survive the “nuclear winter” that killed the dinosaurs — the volcanic vents that kept the island shrouded in fog — were the selfsame geological features that inevitably led to its collapse back into the sea. It’s a shame that more samples weren’t gathered during the expeditions, but those few explorers who escaped with their lives were very lucky to get away with that much.

Of particular interest to me would be the plant (or fish-glandular??) that gave the human Skull Island natives the will to survive on their lifeless corner of the island. Much evidence indicates they were dependent on this powerful but mysterious drug.

Even if I’m not a true kongsexual, I admit I like gorillas and the other Great Apes. And it runs in the family. My maternal grandfather decorated his house in the West Indies with sculptures and paintings of apes, to the extent that it was called “Apes Place” all over St. Maarten. We visited Momoo and Popoo there a few times in my youth, and I have fond memories of carressing the three-foot tall marble gorilla statue he kept on his front porch. I wonder if it’s still there. Unfortunately, after Popoo died, Momoo sold the house to the famous shitty artist, Jasper Johns. I have been back to the house since Johns bought it, but he’d erected a fence and I wasn’t able to see much over the top of it before the native guards chased me away.

If I know my readers, the true parts of the above will be considered lies. And yet it’s all true.

Anyway I hope you guys can cool it with the “Stang Gorilla Fetish” gags, okay?

– The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.
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[Angry gorilla illustration via Shutterstock.com.]

Why A Bat?

By Rev. Ivan Stang
Friday, May 11, 2012 19:53 EDT

Everything was so normal. Wei and I were about to go to bed for good. We had been listening to The Kleptones. I decided to go upstairs to my third-story office to fetch something, or turn something off. I walked up into the office and turned on the light and there was a bird flying around and around the room in a big circle. A bird. The room is a fairly large room but it has…


Other stuff you might say to a Creationist

By Hal Robins
Thursday, May 10, 2012 7:40 EDT

You might argue with a Creationist, I wrote, or at least give him or her (but it always seems to be a him!) something to mull over, by framing the discussion in a Biblical, Christian context and seizing the high ground. Merely citing scientific consensus to a True Believer is…


‘Forward’ — that frightening word

By John Shirley
Tuesday, May 8, 2012 21:11 EDT

In the past, President Obama was criticized by Standard Political Pundits for supposedly failing to articulate his thinking on Health Reform, and other items on his agenda. They said he was overly complex; he was too remote; he didn’t offer cunning soundbites. Possibly this was the impetus for his committee’s…


Huge Destructive Bombast

By John Shirley
Monday, May 7, 2012 22:13 EDT

Trailers shown before my weekend viewing of The Avengers included a preview for other blockbusters; the trailers offered hot samples, like the cinematic variant of something you get in a plastic cup at the  Trader Joe’s sample counter–samples of huge, destructive bombast. Producers apparently have no confidence that we’ll be…


The Beatles cartoon ‘Tomorrow Never Knows’

Those impressed by the ending of tonight’s episode of Mad Men –named after the Sylvia Plath poem Lady Lazarus– might be interested in watching the 17-minute Beatles cartoon, “Tomorrow Never Knows.” The Beatles animated TV series was originally broadcast on ABC at 10:30 am on Saturdays, from 1965 to 1967.…


Financial Planning Meetings: Something Old People Do

By Rev. Ivan Stang
Saturday, May 5, 2012 9:30 EDT

You kids listen up. If you are lucky, you won’t live forever, but you’ll live long enough to be as old as me, and have meetings with the Financial Planner Man. Princess Wei and I have had several such meetings with a variety of Financial Planner Guys, and we had…


How to argue with a Creationist, part 2

By Hal Robins
Wednesday, April 25, 2012 3:03 EDT

[Caution: this article contains hard-core theology.] Creationists insist on a literal interpretation of the Book of Genesis. They certainly need to perform adroit mental gymnastics to do so– that text includes two mutually contradictory creation narratives. But they aren’t on the same page with St. Augustine– they assert that if…


How to argue with a Creationist

By Hal Robins
Tuesday, April 24, 2012 10:59 EDT

Well, you can’t. You can’t actually argue with someone who endorses so-called “Creation Science,” because such a person does not, or will not debate about scientific facts. With the advent of “non-reality-based” beliefs, which first received official imprimatur in the George W. Bush Administration, it’s become acceptable for reactionaries to…


The Stones of Constantine – Part 2

By Hal Robins
Friday, April 20, 2012 0:10 EDT

Recently on this site (see ‘The Stones of Constantine‘) I wrote about the way the culture, in books and movies, shuns original creation and plunders known properties from our shared past for inspiration instead, churning out new versions and remakes of everything from The Brady Bunch to Total Recall. And…