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‘Anonymous source’ tells media he’s tired of being Speaker of the House

In Onion-TV’s “Week in Review” for October 18, an “anonymous source who works on Capitol Hill” told reporters that the shutdown debacle and subsequent blowback has been so intense that he isn’t sure he wants to be Speaker of the House anymore. “The 63-year-old government employee, who spoke to the…

English Pastafarian ordered to return driver’s license bearing image of a colander on his head

Ben Brown, a 21-year-old psychology student, has been ordered by England’s Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency to return the driver’s license he received because it features the young man with a colander on his head. Brown is believed to be the first person in Britain to have convinced the DVLA…

Stephen Colbert accuses Pope Francis of being ‘off message’ at Catholic fundraiser

Stephen Colbert, the keynote speaker at this year’s Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner for Catholic charities, had some “harsh” words for the new pope and his vaunted humility. “By the way, is the pope here? Pope Francis, are you here? Because if you were we probably wouldn’t know because…

Conservative activist Ben Shapiro says George Zimmerman’s brother backs his Ritz Crackers boycott

Conservative activist Ben Shapiro breathlessly announced an endorsement Friday of his boycott of Ritz Crackers. The Breitbart News editor and author called for the boycott because the snack food advertises during the MSNBC program hosted by the Rev. Al Sharpton, who Shapiro chides for referring to white people using the…

New Jersey Supreme Court rules same-sex weddings can begin

Same-sex weddings can begin pending appeal, N.J. Supreme Court rules (via NJ.com) TRENTON — Same-sex marriages can begin Monday in New Jersey on a provisional basis, the state Supreme Court ruled today. The court will not make a final ruling on same-sex marriage rights until next year. But in the…

Assailants gun down Libya’s military police chief in Benghazi

Libya’s military police chief, Colonel Mustapha al-Barghathi, was shot dead Friday in the restive eastern city of Benghazi in the latest assault on the restive country’s fledgling security forces. Unknown assailants gunned down Barghathi outside his home, Colonel Abdullah al-Zaidi, spokesman for the security services, told AFP. He said Barghathi…

Archaeologists uncover Sweden’s largest pre-Christian Iron Age monument

Swedish archaeologists said Friday they have discovered the country’s largest Iron Age monument in Old Uppsala, a pre-Christian religious site in central Sweden. The remains of two rows of wooden pillars appeared as researchers dug before the construction of a new railway line. Lena Borenius-Joerpeland, archaeologist at the Swedish National…

United Nations investigation finds U.S. drone strikes have violated international law

A United Nations investigation has so far identified 33 drone strikes around the world that have resulted in civilian casualties and may have violated international humanitarian law. The report by the UN’s special rapporteur on human rights and counter-terrorism, Ben Emmerson QC, calls on the US to declassify information about…

Elon Musk says he is going to give James Bond’s iconic Lotus Esprit a Tesla electric powertrain

Billionaire tech entrepreneur and investor Elon Musk has bought James Bond’s iconic Lotus Esprit vehicle from The Spy Who Loved Me, with the intention of making its movie transformation from car to submarine a reality. The car was bought for £616,000 at an auction in London in September, but the…

90-year-old former Nazi soldier handed life sentence for role in wartime massacre

A 90-year-old former Nazi soldier has been handed a life sentence for his role in a wartime massacre on the Greek island of Cephalonia, the setting for the bestselling novel Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Alfred Stork, a German ex-corporal, was sentenced in absentia by a military court in Rome which found…

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