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A guide to pissing off liberals, from an actual, bona fide liberal

By Amanda Marcotte
Thursday, July 10, 2014 12:34 EDT

Are they pissed off yet?

There are many things that motivate your 21st century right wing nut—fear of difference, resentment that someone else may be having fun, desperately trying to deny the overwhelming evidence that you aren’t as smart as you think you are—but above all, it seems the main desire of modern right wing nuts is to piss off the liberals. Ooooh, don’t you hate those “liberals”? I mean, you don’t really know them or what gets them mad or much about them, really, but you know they are awful people and you heard from Fox News they are easily riled and don’t you just want to piss them off? Don’t think too deeply why, it’s just fun! Nothing could be funner! Keep saying it until you believe it. Sooooo fuuuuuuuuun.

Of course, the one problem with “pissing off the liberals” is that people who make it a major hobby also keep a strong distance between themselves and said liberals, because actually getting to know liberals might take some of the pleasure out of wanting to make them irritable. Instead, you see a lot of groping around in the dark, doing things they think might piss liberals off but instead cause liberals to point and laugh instead. Recent examples include coal-rolling:

And this silly lady:

Sadly, they are not getting the desired reactions they like to think they are getting. Silly lady above said she wanted to make “liberal heads explode”, but instead she got mockery:

And the coal rollers are spending hundreds, thousands of dollars for the honor of having Adam Weinstein describe them as “unremarkable in their repressed brotherly homosociality” and point out that “It’s a pretty egocentric notion that a liberal, or any stranger, gives three hoots about these huckleberries’ displays of bravado beyond the superficial.”

Having dealt with wingnuts who really, really want to piss off liberals but are so inept and unwitty that all they get is laughed at, I know that they try to pretend that the laughter aimed in their direction is not what it appears to be. They tell themselves that they are getting “red-faced liberals” who are “screaming”, but really, we’re not even screaming with laughter, because while it’s funny to see people fail so horribly at what they set out to do, it’s not like Melissa McCarthy-in-Bridesmaids levels of funny, either. And, I think, on some level, conservative trolls must know that it’s not working. They must know that having someone snort and say, “Poor thing can’t even troll right” is not the enraged reaction they desire. It must be even more galling to have it be so hard to piss off liberals when liberals piss you off so much just by existing.

Honestly, I’m beginning to feel sorry for the wannabe conservative trolls, so, as a bona fide liberal, I thought I’d put together a list of things they can do that will definitely piss liberals off. For real. No more having to pretend that the person laughing at you is secretly appalled. No more declaring victory over someone you tried to troll who simply went, “Aw, that’s kind of sad.” These actions have my guarantee that they will piss off anyone you try them on.

1) Anything that comes out of Donald Sterling’s mouth. Overtly racist rants, sounding like a rich asshole who has never been told no, being a petulant brat generally. All of this works. Justin Bieber is also a good role model for actually teeing people off. But, of course, the danger with the strategy is that, in order to piss people off, you have to act like a real asshole. In other words, wingnuts, talk in public like you usually only talk in private. That tends to get the job done.

Of course, this demonstrates the #1 problem with being a conservative troll: Most of them are ripe cowards, afraid to do something that is actually enraging because they know, in their heart of hearts, that it’s wrong. They want to walk this fine line where they troll people but never actually run the danger of their actual assholery becoming an objective fact in the public eye. But it’s that kind of cowardice that makes people laugh at you instead of actually get pissed off. If you want to really piss people off, have the courage of your shitty convictions.

2) Take a big, nasty shit on the sidewalk for someone, ideally a liberal, to step in. No one can be anything less than pissed off when they step on shit on the sidewalk. And imagine how their annoyance will turn to rage when they realize it’s not dog shit, but actual human shit! That’s why it’s critical that you actually drop trou and do it public, instead of shitting in a box at home and taking it to the sidewalk. It needs to be nice and warm to maximize how enraging it will be when those fancy-pants liberals step in it with their fancy-pants shoes. They might even drop their lattes!

I realize you may worry that it’s illegal to take a shit on the sidewalk. It is, because of those same pissy-pants liberals who think the “environment” is a thing you should keep “clean”. You are willing to flout the law and poison the environment with your coal-rolling. Why not go the next step and directly dirty things up with some human shit on the sidewalk?

 3) Make small children cry for no reason whatsoever. This always works, particularly with the soft-hearted liberal sorts.

4) Stop acting like complete morons and start crafting real arguments that depend on facts instead of shit you just made up. While dealing with the non-stop lying from conservatives is, in fact, enraging, don’t you think it might be even more enraging if you actually put up a real fight? It hasn’t been tried very often, but I’ll bet it would piss off some liberals if conservatives actually tried to make substantive arguments for why pollution is good or why we need to convert to a theocracy, as opposed to being dodgy and spewing bullshit because you’re afraid to make your real arguments. Why not give it a try? It’s bound to work better than this silliness.

5) Start following soccer. We’re not pissed off when you pretend to think soccer is stupid. You just sound like you’re proud of your ignorance then. But if you started hanging out at popular soccer bars, making less room for the regular fans, that would probably do it.

Abortion clinic protesters are there to harass, not “counsel”

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, July 9, 2014 17:30 EDT

One of the bits of bad faith that allowed the Supreme Court to justify ending a 35-foot buffer zone law that protected abortion clinic patients and staff is this notion that the protesters are there to “counsel” people. Using a veil of compassion as a thin cover for shaming people is a standard bit of dishonest hatefulness people who think of themselves as all pious and moral do—I love watching Christians throw a fit when…


Do women need to wait on men hand and foot in order to avoid loneliness? No.

By Amanda Marcotte
Tuesday, July 8, 2014 12:03 EDT

Not mandatory. It’s so, so telling that Fox News has no compunctions about putting people that are clearly bonkers on their TV shows without much fear that their audiences are going to notice. Case in point: The continued reliance on Susan Patton, who has no qualifications or expertise in anything…


Conservatives object to giving women “permission” from employers to get reproductive health care

By Amanda Marcotte
Monday, July 7, 2014 11:45 EDT

Welp, over the break things went from bad to worse. One of the hopes—which I still think will come to pass—is that the HHS will manage the Hobby Lobby decision by simply saying that corporations who don’t want to offer contraception coverage in their health care plans will simply fill…


Over the holiday

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, July 2, 2014 8:11 EDT

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By Amanda Marcotte
Tuesday, July 1, 2014 10:45 EDT

You may see a happy couple, but some see a harlot and her male accessory. Even though the Hobby Lobby case is actually fairly limited and may not, in the end, deprive any women of their contraception access, conservatives on Twitter seemed to believe that it constituted a ban on…


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By Amanda Marcotte
Monday, June 30, 2014 14:06 EDT

Ladies, I may not know how female anatomy works, but I figure that you can only get pregnant if you like sex too much. No, put that biology book down. Did you notice I’m a man? I don’t need to know how this stuff works to opine about it. I…


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By Amanda Marcotte
Friday, June 27, 2014 8:02 EDT

Can you correctly identify what this is? If so, you are too learned to read an Ann Coulter column. World Cup is fucking exciting this year, isn’t it? It’s really hard not to blow off work to watch games, isn’t it? Almost enough to make you forget that enjoyment of…


It’s the 21st century, and yet here we are arguing the “legitimacy” of black voters

By Amanda Marcotte
Thursday, June 26, 2014 13:05 EDT

The Tea Party still thinks it’s debatable whether or not to let all Americans do this. It’s been fascinating watching the total meltdown on the right over the issue of how to feel about Republican Sen. Thad Cochran beat Tea Party challenger Chris McDaniel in a primary runoff. This may…


Skinny jeans are here to destroy you by insisting you be slightly less racist

By Amanda Marcotte
Wednesday, June 25, 2014 10:14 EDT

Stop oppressing conservatives, denim-wearing hooligans! Via Whiskey Fire and Lawyers Guns and Money comes this hilarious tantrum thrown by oversized baby Erick Erickson over the Washington Vile Racial Slurs. Never one to decide a hill is too small to die on, Erickson has decided to dump buckets of tantrum tears…