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Your Grunting, Antisocial Child Will Shower With Strangers

By Jesse Taylor
Monday, July 14, 2008 16:35 EDT
 

imageYoungstown, OH schools are expanding the use of an abstinence-only program called Teen Straight Talk.

Duke estimates that after hearing a Teen Straight Talk program, up to 90 percent of the students commit to staying abstinent until marriage, based on evaluations that are collected after every program.

“We’re underestimating these kids,” she said. “They want to know the truth that safe sex isn’t really safe and that it just reduces the risk.”

The programs that the organization presents highlight the failure rates of condoms, lifelong effects of getting a sexually transmitted infection, and the possible negative emotional consequences of sexual activity.

When presented outside of the public school systems, the rule of abstinence as a Christian principle is emphasized.

“We respect state property, but in other settings we can’t ignore that this is God’s law,” Duke said. “Which is ultimately why parents who have the greatest influence on their kids should be in charge of teaching them about sex, not the schools.”

I could actually understand abstinence-only education if it were some sort of performance art aimed at making parents understand the need to talk to their children honestly about sex before some nutjob gets them to sign a pledge to the God of the Commons. Unfortunately, that’s in my dream world where all cars are replaced with unicorns and I solve crimes with my Ph.D. supermodel best friend.

Anyway, checking out Teen Straight Talk’s website, you’re immediately implored to view this hilarious video. More on it after the break if you don’t want to watch badly-acted hysteria. Parent A comes home to her child, who’s patiently sitting at the table waiting to reach the age of emancipation. She receives a call from Parent B, who’s gravely concerned about the material her child (who, because she’s a bad working mother, is off somewhere offering blowjobs for extra chocolate milks at lunch) is receiving in sex ed class. Parent A puts her worried face on, and reveals that she thinks that the program’s purpose is to teach kids about abstinence with some information about contraception. Parent A is stupid.

Kids are taught that showering together is a “green light” activity! They’re taught to put condoms all over themselves and to give them as presents before a romantic dinner! The kids are even taught “graphic details” about how to bring your partner to orgasm, like where the clitoris is and to not start talking about your mother.

Shock! Awe! Parent-child talk that precedes the inevitable ignorance-driven screaming match with the principal! Parent A sits down with poor Jen, who’s asked if she was taught that taking a shower with a boy was okay. Jen, who probably just went through this yesterday when her mom asked if she practiced deep-throating on a king-size Snickers, mumbles, “Yeah.” Parent A, deeply concerned asks, “Are you sure?” This is Jen’s major tactical error, as she would be better served telling her mom that she was just fucking with her – instead, she mumbles agreement again, which leads her mom to an internal monologue in which she seems to think that showering together is a method of having sex, thereby proving that everyone in this community was too stupid to have children.

There’s only one problem with the “showering together” example – it’s actually an HIV/AIDS exercise designed to teach kids how the disease is spread – it’s not encouraging you to do any particularly activity, only saying certain activities are much more risky than others. Other “green lit” activities include “buying gifts”, meaning that Hallmark is riding the anal sex train right into the…

…Okay, even I didn’t like where that one was going.

It’s bad enough to lie to kids under the guise of getting their parents more involved, it’s another to get the parents more involved in said lying by lying to them. If abstinence education actually worked and was a useful tool without the cynical manipulation of all involved, wouldn’t they be able to uh…do it without the cynical manipulation of all involved?

Bill Donahue thinks atheists don’t have rights

By Amanda Marcotte

That’s what I’ve come to believe. It’s obvious that he thinks that “religious freedom” means “the right to demand a) the right to completely define an entire religion for yourself and eject anyone who has different views than yours and b) the right never, ever to be mocked, criticized, or looked at funny”. But even when a number of atheists online were insisting that I was targeted by the Catholic League for harassment and economic…

 

Rejoice, All Ye Gathered And Faithful

By Jesse Taylor

Sometime in the past three years, Kathryn Jean Lopez was given the green light to write columns for NRO. God help me if I know why. Sure, many right-wingers were happy just to know that “El Rushbo” is making more than Katie Couric. “That could be me one day,” many…

 

I Really Enjoy Being Spoken For

By Jesse Taylor

It’s much easier than, you know, actually saying things myself. John Kass, columnist for the Chicago Tribune steps in on the Obama flip-flop parade and decides, like many in the media, to speak for the bloggerati: They’re at the dance now and he’s the one with the keys and he’s…

 

Humor Isn’t Funny When You Have To Explain It

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The hallmark of good satire is that it’s good enough to perhaps be taken credulously by those who aren’t too swift, but also ridiculous enough to show that whoever does take it seriously is a bit slow in the head. This is not good satire. The Obama campaign is condemning…

 

John McLaughlin: Obama fits the ‘Oreo’ stereotype

By pams

Oh no, he didn’t. Jeebus H. Christ. McLAUGHLIN: OK, let’s nail this thing down, and here’s a sample of what Jackson apparently sees as Obama disparaging the black community. OBAMA : If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that too many fathers are also missing. Too many fathers are MIA.…

 

SC: overseas campaign to attract gay tourism yanked

By pams

While it’s a positive sign that someone in the state of South Carolina thought it was a good idea to attract gay tourism dollars — in this case an ad campaign that was tied to gay pride festivities in London — you still have to wonder what were they thinking.…

 

America: Let Us Be Known For Our Teeny Ding-Dongs

By Amanda Marcotte
Sunday, July 13, 2008 23:50 EDT

I was going to write a big, long take-down of this wretched article, but instead I’ll just mention how a friend of mine, every time she saw some douchebag driving a super he-man manly man vehicle on giant tires like a Hummer, would hold up her pinky finger and say,…

 

I’m Not Saying Obama Is A Fascist

By Jesse Taylor

I’m just saying he’s a very Nationalized Socialist. Take his decision to deliver his acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver. It seems that the venue for the rest of the Democratic convention – the Pepsi Center (occupancy 21,000) – is just too small. Obama says he…

 

The Delicate, Impregnating Flower That Is Man

By Jesse Taylor

This is apparently the year where the feminist war on manhood comes to a head. On September 1, Harvest House Publishers is slated to release my second book, The Kind of Man Every Man Should Be. The basis for the book essentially is to help rebuild the kind of man…

 
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