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2016 GOP hopeful releases hostage video with super easy solutions to super complex issues

By TBogg
Sunday, April 20, 2014 22:52 EDT
 
carsoncap

The 2016 GOP presidential field is still shaping up with some considering jumping into the ring, while others have an obligatory autobiography written for them with a title like ‘Undaunted: My Journey of Faith and Freedom and More Freedom and Did I Mention Jesus?.’

Who is actually running? For the moment the safest answer is the one that Granny Grifter Sarah Palin would say, “All of them.”

Some conservatives are particularly enamored with Dr. Ben Carson, who is an honest to god no-bullshit for reals actual doctor who literally used to put his fingers in people’s brains and he is not a fake doctor like Dr. Phil or Monica Crowley.

Although he has no legislative background, Carson is attractive to conservatives because he is black (which is the new white) and he was not born in Kenya, although he was born in Detroit, but probably not the Muslim part in Dearborn.

Previously Carson has been prone to spouting occasional ‘out of context’ statements, like comparing universal and comprehensive healthcare without exception for per-existing conditions or economic status as “the worst thing since slavery.”

Or that time when he said that women need to “re-educated” because they’re all riled up and start abortin’ everything in sight because they think with their lady parts and not their lady smarts.

Hormones, they’re a helluva biochemical.

Also, too, remember when Carson said that gays shouldn’t get to steal the word ‘marriage’ like they stole ‘gay’ and if they did that would make them the moral equivalent of NAMBLA and dog-rapers?  Yeah, that was fun.

So, to buff and polish what some might call Carson’s ‘rough edges’ – or what you may call  ‘true colors’ – realbencarson.com has released a music video (see below) of a calm, and possibly sedated, Ben Carson explaining in very simple terms what he would do to save America from Godless healthcare slavery and roving gangs of aborting women and gay puppy rapists. No, the puppys aren’t gay. They’re still going through a transitional stage.

First off, Dr. Ben Carson would meet with each and every one of the 535 members of Congress and, over a nice modestly-priced cabernet, ask them to tell him about their hopes and dreams and desires while he stares soulfully into their eyes and occasionally reaches out and touches their hand  to let them know that he truly and deeply cares, and that there is ‘a real connection here.’

Afterwards Dr. President Ben Carson and his 535 soulmates would do the things that they all agreed about just like real people do in the real world.

So, for example, let’s say that  Carson and 535 Congressmen can agree that they are all  hungry and they should go out for a bite. Ben Carson says he feels like having Greek food,  but a Nebraska senator says they should all have steaks to support the cattle ranchers. Then a congressman from New York wants Italian because he needs their votes in the upcoming mid-terms, although Chinese also sounds good since they own all of our national debt anyway. Pretty soon someone says that the Mexican place on the corner is pretty good, but the entire Arizona and Texas delegation threatens a walk-out.  Marco Rubio suggests Cuban food, but Steve King tells him it’s still too close to Mexican food , and besides he’s just pandering to his Florida base. Next thing you know, everyone is at Denny’s waiting for a corner booth, because nobody ever goes to Denny’s, you end up there, and nobody is happy about it. Except for Trey Gowdy who likes the Moon Over My Hammy because it makes him laugh and “it’s real tasty, y’all.”

After that, and over pie and coffee, Dr. President Ben Carson gets them all to agree to reduce taxes on the wealthy which will reduce  the national debt,  and also to destroy Obamacare and hold hearings on Benghazi and the IRS and build the XL pipeline and declare war on some oil-producing country and gut the social safety net and ban abortions and force the gays back into the closet and put Jesus and Ronald Reagan on all of the currency and other stuff like that.

Because everyone is always really agreeable when they’re full, and pie and coffee has been served.

And that is how America will be saved by Dr. President Ben Carson.

Feel better now?

 

Edward Snowden’s disembodied head makes sweet love to dreamy heartthrob Vladimir Putin

By TBogg
Thursday, April 17, 2014 14:20 EDT

Vladimir Putin held his annual call-in show & Freedom Telethon today on the completely objective, totally independent, RT network (Page 6 Pravda ). While most starstruck conservatives were unable to get through to yell “Show us your boobs!”, Edward Snowden – the Max Headroom of the tech-bro set – managed to make a video request of DJ Vlad, and it wasn’t for Free Bird: If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, Snowden soft-served…

 

Josh Romney has 20 million reasons to write a bitter anger tweet at mean ole Harry Reid

By TBogg
Tuesday, April 15, 2014 22:08 EDT

It used to be that failed presidential candidates would shuffle off the national stage after their ignominious defeat and go lick their wounds in private. Eventually they would re-emerge  again in some other public service position, trading on the street cred gained by having been this close to being able…

 

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the milk of cows

By TBogg
Sunday, April 13, 2014 15:06 EDT

It’s hard out there for a man’s man. The kind of guy who willing to strap on the shooting irons, leave the wife and little ones behind and go out and administer some old fashioned western justice just like John Wayne would have done. Steely-eyed men who use assault rifles…

 

Racist guy is super not-racist because he plays basketball with his boys, so it’s all cool now

By TBogg
Friday, April 11, 2014 20:03 EDT

On a scale of 1 to Super Maxi Hunka-Hunka Burning Cross Grand Kleagle of the KKK,  how racist do you have to be to maybe be unelectable in Mississippi? If you answered ‘Chris McDaniel’ you would be correct. [We would also have accepted 'Editor at Breitbart.com.'] Mississippi state senator McDaniel…

 

Kiss me, deadly: If Vance McAllister had hired a hooker, he’d be talking about Benghazi today

By TBogg
Thursday, April 10, 2014 4:58 EDT

December in Louisiana – sultry and damp as a Fox News blonde. I was working late, signing a stack of letters to district voters to go out in the morning mail. The usual song and dance. Looking for funding to repair potholes in front of their crackerbox homes, 90th birthday…

 

GOP checks into Hotel Breitbart California, finds it’s not at all like the brochures said

By TBogg
Tuesday, April 8, 2014 14:27 EDT

In the great state of California, Republican office holders are about as rare as high school diplomas in the Palin household. Even in an election year, the state GOP brain-trust is having a hell of a time rounding up anyone who can – at the very minimum – fog  a…

 

Men who love men who hate men who love men

By TBogg
Sunday, April 6, 2014 22:45 EDT

‘Oh no, there goes CEO, go go Mozilla’ – Blue Oyster Cult, sorta As a rule, white conservatives love love love victims. Providing, of course the victims aren’t blacks who are still fighting institutional racism. Or old people who didn’t plan for their future and now come begging, hat in…

 

An oppressive white privileged heteronormative look at Suey Park’s SQUIRREL! interview

By TBogg
Thursday, April 3, 2014 19:01 EDT

Yesterday morning I sat down at  ‘the place where the magic happens‘ (my desk) fully intending to write about the #CancelColbert nothing-burger that gripped America for a 72-hour news cycle before the country moved on to discussing more important things like waffle tacos at Taco Bell and Bruce Jenner plastic…

 

In wake of Ft. Hood shooting, conservative gun nuts immediately shoot off their mouths

By TBogg

It is a sad fact of life that, in this world that the NRA has made, nothing brings out the hot gun lovin’ like a tragic shooting that happens to someone else at a good safe distance. In the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting, while most American parents were…

 
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