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Self-abusing Daily Caller reporter shares tips on how journalists should handle themselves

By TBogg
Friday, August 15, 2014 19:10 EDT

Patrick Howley, who has had a rich (in unintentional LOLs) and varied career at Tucker Carlson’s Slightly Less Racist Than Breitbart.com playground, is very very disappointed in HuffPo reporter Ryan J. Reilly.

It seems that Reilly’s post-Ferguson Cops Gone Rogue Fun-Riot appearance did not move the dial on Howley’s ‘How Much Can You Bench?’ scale.

Howley — who fancies himself a man’s man, a guy’s guy, a dude’s dude, a bro’s bro, but is actually kind of a dick’s dick — chose yesterday to give a masterclass in journalism of the most manly kind.

Pushing his crumpled fedora back on his head, stubbing out an unfiltered cigarette on the back of his hand, Howley takes a a slug of cheap scotch from a dirty glass and pounded out an exclusive on the battered Underwood that has seen him through three wars and countless hours spent pleasuring himself while watching Juno:

Huffington Post reporter Ryan J. Reilly was detained in Ferguson, Missouri Wednesday while trying to make himself the story and refusing to leave a McDonald’s after 45 minutes.

Okay, let’s stop right there. I was unaware that there was a 45-minute time limit at McDonalds, punishable by getting your head slammed into the soda dispenser and then being hauled off to jail. Damn. Mayor McCheese makes Chicago’s Richard J. Daley look like a fucking Quaker.

Tell us more, Patrick Howley, tell us more:

There’s no reason to even bring up the Ferguson situation here because this fake reporter had no interest in Ferguson, or in anything except the edification of an ego that obviously grew in inverse proportion to the number of times that nobody he met at parties knew who he was. This isn’t about police brutality or the brutality of the protesters, or the racial powder keg exploding right now in St. Louis County, scene of the 1917 labor riots and the shortened playing career of Curt Flood. This is about one pathetic moron.”

Did you get that? I mean besides the ‘you think you’re all that‘ shade thrown at Reilly? Howley dropped a lil bit o’ Curt Flood baseball trivia on your butt and he probably high-fived the shit out of himself after crushing that man BOOM.

But time is short, let’s cut to the chase: where is Ryan J. Reilly — who went down to Ferguson to cover “the racial powder keg exploding right now in St. Louis County” — coming up short under Howley’s male gaze?

Writers, believe it or not, used to be cool. That was actually, for a decades-long spell in magazine history, one of the prerequisites for the job. In order to chronicle one’s times, one must be detached, smart, tough, fair, objective, willing to put himself in tough situations and then not cry like a little baby if something goes wrong.

Sure you want to go there, Sparky?

Well there is the Patrick Howley who wrote a “satirical piece” about playing ‘One Thumb, Way Way Up’ to Ellen Page movies, which contained this totally non-biographical quote, before the Caller yanked it:

“Almost everyone I run into, if I bring up school choice or mismanagement at the Federal Reserve people start jabbing their finger in my face about how their gay cousin served in Iraq and still can’t get married. Am I doing something wrong? Am I just an unlikable person? I don’t even have any friends under the age of 40 anymore, Skiff. I’m so lonely.”

There is the Patrick Howley who complained that gays weren’t being gay enough for his tastes:

Gayness used to be pretty awesome, according to alternative literature from the period 1954-78. Back in the day, gays were subversive adventurers, trolling the city streets at night on a lustful quest for experience and with an outlaw mentality not seen since the days of the Wild West. They were decadently-dressed sexual superheroes, daring Middle America to condemn them as they pranced their corseted, high-heeled bodies around to midnight screenings of great American movies like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” “Pink Flamingoes,” and “Mommy Dearest.” They had an ingrained creativity, a patented sense of irony. They had a brand. They had an identity.

Which eventually led to Howley having to explain to the gays that there is a wonderland of back-alley Houses of the Hole-y just begging to be filled. Like, duh, you gays! Just ask around.

And there was that time when Patrick Howley tweeted that he wouldn’t boink Rosie Gray with Patrick Howley’s boinker which only led to  Tucker making  him apologize, shutting down his twitter account, and taking a time out to consider what exactly he did wrong. (It should be noted that Reilly played a part in Howley’s non-humping fantasies, so really this whole thing is actually payback.)

Presumably he used the time off to work on new and better ways to yell, “Nice ass, sugar-tits, you wanna do it with a guy who works for someone named Tucker who has a brother named Buckley?”

Word on the street is: you get laid with that, consider your man card stamped.

And there’s nothing cooler than that…

Sovereign country of Breitbartistan established online, tells Obama ‘you’re not the boss of me’

By TBogg
Wednesday, August 13, 2014 16:26 EDT

Oh, this is soooooooooo adorable that it will make you want to shit kittens who wear little pirate hats and speak with baby voices… One of the lesser idiots at Breitbart, but an idiot all the same, has written one of those cute manifestos that overly wordy weirdos write from time to time, usually followed by standing on a kitchen chair — SpongeBob SquarePants bath-towel tied around the neck like a cape for dramatic effect…


Fox’s Todd Starnes does not care for Obama being nice to the parents of dead black kids

By TBogg

God-bothering Fox News contributor Todd Starnes, flogger of bullshit stories, gender hysteric, and literal embodiment of what comes out of your ass if you contract Ebola, is not a big fan of President Barack Obama. No sir, he is not. If you are not familiar with Starnes,  all you need…


Here’s what joining the $9.95 Sarah Palin Word Salad of The Month Club will getcha

By TBogg
Sunday, August 10, 2014 21:50 EDT

Presented without with minimal comment, here is Sarah Palin on the Sarah Palin Babblethon Channel  droppin’ her ‘g’s’ and talkin’ ’bout the minimum wage for fast food workers and sounding every bit like what you might hear through a broken speaker at an Arby’s drive-thru. One day Sarah may regret…


Your new Martha Mitchell is Maureen McDonnell: A little bit nutty, a little bit slutty

By TBogg
Saturday, August 9, 2014 13:26 EDT

Yesterday was  the 40th anniversary of President Richard Nixon’s resignation, and everything old is new again. There are rumblings of impeachment in the air amidst talk of criminal misdoings, pertinent information has gone missing, and President Barack Obama has an enemies list. Hell, Carole King’s music is even being revived…


NRA wants to arm the blind because of 2nd Amendment and besides, why the hell not?

By TBogg
Wednesday, August 6, 2014 16:03 EDT

So the guys at the NRA were just sitting around talkin’ ’bout guns — or ‘shooting the shit’ as they like to say — with some guys representing their gun manufacturer overlords, and someone moaned that they were running out of demographic groups to target and convince to purchase their…


A primer for the children of gun nuts who’ll be lucky to see their tenth birthday

By TBogg
Monday, August 4, 2014 1:44 EDT

As you may be aware, the co-founders of Michigan Open Carry were lovely enough people to produce a children’s book entitled, My Parents Open Carry, for children unlucky enough to have been raised by Heather’s two mommies. In My Parent’s Open Carry, children from sad gun-less families have an opportunity…


American media faking a series of ragegasms for Israel to prove their love is real

By TBogg
Thursday, July 31, 2014 13:50 EDT

Normally you have to turn to Fox News if you want your daily dose of outrage delivered hot and fresh to your door with a side-order of egregious bias. Nothing quite sells a story like watching a credulous Fox mouth-hole reciting a list of talking points like it was The…


Conservatives create Reaganbook Internet playground to occupy bored snarky liberals

By TBogg
Wednesday, July 30, 2014 0:49 EDT

UPDATED: Damn librulz done broked teh Internet: “Thank you to all those who participated in the pre-release of ReaganBook.com Your participation is helping us build a more secure site. Thank you! Please be patient while we make the necessary changes to keep the site free from obscenity, pornography, and those…


CNN taunts Mitt Romney, now wants him to get beat by a girl

By TBogg
Sunday, July 27, 2014 15:02 EDT

CNN has a new 2016 presidential election poll out, two-and-a-half years before the actual election so you know these numbers will hold/are set in stone/are immutable. And, if Ann Romney just glanced over the first paragraph like most CNN readers do — which is why they are so awesomely informed…