Quantcast
Home » Archives » Panic in Funland (Page 5)

Monica Lewinsky returns to say she is sorry about doing that ‘thing’ men like with that guy

By TBogg
Tuesday, May 6, 2014 15:56 EDT
 
gardenofhedonism_flickr

Smell that?

That is the smell of Campaign 2016 in the air.

Republicans — at this very moment — are trying to figure out who is the least objectionable boy to take them to the Presidential Prom where he will then proceed to lose both his car keys and his Red Lobster Fisherman’s Fryfest prom-night dinner in the parking lot… to say nothing of losing the electorally important states of Pennsylvania, Ohio, and North Carolina.

Democrats are pretty much betting that Hillary Clinton will help them continue their domination over White Penis-American Rich Guys Who Pick Terrible Running Mates, so that means the Clinton Years are coming back and you might as well get out your Chumbawumba records because the media is going to tubthump the shit out of them.

In particular, those halcyon days when America almost collapsed into a scorched hellscape all because of Oval Office oral.

Dude-bro heartthrob and guy who takes massive poops, Rand Paul, trial-ballooned the Clinton/Lewinsky tête-à-tête with face-sex story back in January but nobody bit like they did on his fake drone filibuster.  But now that the All-Star All-GOP #Benghazi #CountryBearJamboree is being rounded up to prove that Dead Vincent Foster was providing talking points from beyond the grave to Hillary — because he forgives her for killing him and true love never dies —  we can expect a slow roll-out of Other Things We Know About Bill & Killery.  The assumption by the GOP is that millennials will look up briefly from their Instatwitterselfiegramphones in 2016 and be appalled by a presidential blow-job since they are the most sexually chaste generation since forever.

Knowing what is coming [ahem] Monica Lewinsky is getting out ahead [ahem again] of the blizzard of stories that will no-doubt be written about her by  DC journalists already checking their style guides for acceptable terms for ‘putting a penis in ones mouth for the sexual gratification of another,’ also known as a ‘Fox News anchor interview.’

Lewinsky says she is sorry for causing America to feel such pain and Bill Clinton to feel such joy :

“I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.”

She also adds that it was consensual, not that she wasn’t wronged in the long haul by a country that views a single woman who has sex as a scarlet whore with a big adultery ‘A’ applied to her blue dress with man juice:

“Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship. Any ‘abuse’ came in the aftermath, when I was made a scapegoat in order to protect his powerful position. . . . The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.”

As for Hillary, Lewinsky is quite charitable:

Lewinsky responds to reports made public in February that Hillary Clinton, during the 1990s, had characterized her as a “narcissistic loony toon” in correspondence with close friend Diane Blair. “My first thought,” Lewinsky writes, “as I was getting up to speed: If that’s the worst thing she said, I should be so lucky. Mrs. Clinton, I read, had supposedly confided to Blair that, in part, she blamed herself for her husband’s affair (by being emotionally neglectful) and seemed to forgive him. Although she regarded Bill as having engaged in ‘gross inappropriate behavior,’ the affair was, nonetheless, ‘consensual (was not a power relationship).’”

So it looks like the press may not be able to whip up a Hillary/Monica claws-bared Greek-yoghurt-in-a-kids-swimming-pool catfight, disappointing the wonderful folks at Twitchy who probably had big plans to win the hashtag election with #Blowghazi.

#Blowghazi is dead. Long live #Benghazi — for as long as the GOP can fundraise from the rubes on it….

[Garden of Hedonism by Scott on FLICKR, Creative Commons Licensed]

When all you’ve got is #Benghazi, everything looks like #Benghazi. Also: #BENGHAZI!

By TBogg
Saturday, May 3, 2014 14:23 EDT

Conservatives have had a rough couple of weeks. The IRS is ‘witch-hunting all our fake Tea Party non-profits to death’ hobby-horse they had been riding was gelded by reality when it turned out that the IRS was watching progressive groups in greater numbers. Progressives, it seems, don’t whine as much when faced with adversity or, more likely, they’re not as interested in personal enrichment as Tea Party folks, seeing as they’re communists and socialists and…

 

GOP guy wants doctors to tell Supreme Court to say no to gay marriage because of the butt sex

By TBogg
Thursday, May 1, 2014 17:52 EDT

Recently two ladies in South Dakota — who are of the women-who-prefer-women persuasion — announced that they would like to join themselves together in holy matrimony as is the right of all Americans according to the Fourteenth Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. Sure the 14th comes twelve amendments after the…

 

Sarah Palin is ‘this close’ to doing face-painting for tips at your next garage sale

By TBogg
Tuesday, April 29, 2014 16:10 EDT

Under normal circumstances I don’t like doing back-to-back posts on Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods (a trademark of Charles Pierce Worldwide Industries) but I fear that her time amongst the C-list glitterati draws nigh.  Click-hungry headline writers and bloggers hardest hit. According to Robert Costa, writing at the WaPo, Sarah…

 

Christian writer okay with waterboarding, not cool at all with Palin blood-libeling baptisms

By TBogg
Monday, April 28, 2014 8:35 EDT

As you may have heard, the woman who was once potentially  a myocardial infarction away from the Big Red Doomsday Button appeared at the NRA’s rootin tootin’ let’s go shootin’ national convention this past weekend in America’s ugliest city, Indianapolis. Griftin’ grandma Sarah Palin wowed the crowd with the kind…

 

Success is how high you bounce back after you hit and kick your girlfriend 117 times

By TBogg
Friday, April 25, 2014 10:48 EDT

‘I, douchebag’ Gurbaksh Chahal is a wronged man. The wealthy tech entrepreneur and Chris Brown of Silicon Valley is just trying to get on with his life after being railroaded into accepting 25 hours of community service time, three years of probation, and a 52-week domestic violence training program for…

 

Dude choosing college based on babe/dude ratio worried about the future of education

By TBogg
Wednesday, April 23, 2014 16:40 EDT

Religion dabbler and petty grievance sniveler Rod Dreher recently received a letter from someone who reads him and needed validation for a stupid idea that they had and felt Rod was just the man for that kind of job. Well chosen, writer person. The, blessedly, unnamed Concerned Parent explained that…

 

Tim Tebow to Jesus talk about man things like guns, bad football throwing to a bunch of guys

By TBogg
Tuesday, April 22, 2014 19:03 EDT

Remember Tim Tebow? Tim Tebow is a man, a godly man, who was put here on 6000-year-old earth – two thousand years after his older brother dropped by -  to re-wash away the world’s [America's] sins by dying for us on weekly basis on God’s green gridiron. During his collegiate…

 

2016 GOP hopeful releases hostage video with super easy solutions to super complex issues

By TBogg
Sunday, April 20, 2014 22:52 EDT

The 2016 GOP presidential field is still shaping up with some considering jumping into the ring, while others have an obligatory autobiography written for them with a title like ‘Undaunted: My Journey of Faith and Freedom and More Freedom and Did I Mention Jesus?.’ Who is actually running? For the…

 

Edward Snowden’s disembodied head makes sweet love to dreamy heartthrob Vladimir Putin

By TBogg
Thursday, April 17, 2014 14:20 EDT

Vladimir Putin held his annual call-in show & Freedom Telethon today on the completely objective, totally independent, RT network (Page 6 Pravda ). While most starstruck conservatives were unable to get through to yell “Show us your boobs!”, Edward Snowden – the Max Headroom of the tech-bro set – managed…

 
Google+