Home » Archives » Panic in Funland (Page 7)

The resurrection of Chris Christie: Presidential contender, oblivious overseer, innocent man

By TBogg
Monday, March 31, 2014 2:37 EDT

When we last left the future presidential prospects of New Jersey Governor and teacher-yeller-atter Chris Christie, the barely breathing carcass had washed up on the Jersey Shore where it heaved and gasped and stunk up the area like a week-old chum bucket left in the sun.

It seemed that only thing keeping it alive were the tender ministrations of the cast of Joe Scarborough’s morning chit-chat-bullshit show for DC beltway gossip lampreys. Joe & crew spent each day running down to the waterline, cupping water in their hands, and then splashing it on the Christie campaign’s crisping skin. Also, too: tongue baths were administered.

All this in an attempt to keep  supple the thin hope that the tides of public opinion would eventually change and all of Christie’s hopes and dreams would flounder back into deeper waters and run for the bottom until things chilled out and short-attention-span Americans forgot that his administration pulled a dick revenge move against the mayor of Ft. Lee and got busted for it.

Soon, even the Morning Joe people cut bait after remembering that the fish rots from the head down.

But enough fish talk.

Good news came for Chris Christie last week after New Jersey taxpayers paid, at Chris Christe’s behest, for an investigation into Chris Christie’s involvement in something that people in Chris Christie’s administration did for Chris Christie. And guess what it said? No, really, guess…

Without actually interviewing many of the principals involved in the bridge lane closures, the attorneys running the investigation said that Chris Christie is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being they’ve ever known in their lives. They also said that Christie’s deputy chief of staff , Bridget Anne Kelly – whom they also didn’t interview and who wrote the “some traffic problems in Fort Lee” smoking gun email – was an emotional basket-case irrational scorned-woman whore-slut who was probably having her period the whole week the bridge lanes were shut down.

Or, as the legal abstract put it: loved him, hated her.

The best part of the release of the ‘exonerating’ report released last Thursday was that timing couldn’t have been better to coincide with Christie’s interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer mere hours after the release of the report , and with Fox News’ Whitest Lady On Earth, Megyn Kelly on Friday morning. If one were cynical, one might suspect that the timing of the interviews was part of a orchestrated campaign designed to re-inflate Christie’s national image, in the wake of the reports release, with an eye towards 2016 – which is a presidential election year, or so I am told.

Of course not everyone, by which I mean people not trapped in the gravitational pull of Chris Christie, bought the report, with many calling it a whitewash, to which lead whitewash Gibson, Dunn, and Crutcher attorney Randy Mastro said “suck it” and also pointed out that he’s a Democrat and therefore  uninterested in a $1 million in billable hours.

(Cue Gibson, Dunn, and Crutcher awkward white people staff high-fives, leaping chest bumps, and exploding make-it-rain terrorist fist bumps.)

Meanwhile Christie, whom the Mastro report piquantly described as not “knowin’ nuffin’ ’bout no bridge lane closure-ers” was back in front of the press on Friday afternoon bullying them (“cut back the commentary” and “get the facts right if you want to ask me a question”) for reporting that he and the people he had hired and created high-paying jobs for were a clown car of stupidity, vindictiveness,  and vitriol.

So Chris Christie is back  (providing he didn’t make the most fatal-est misstep a Republican can make short of hugging a black man)  and everyone who flirted with Rand Paul or Marco Rubio will now come crawling back and kissing his ass because, when you piss off Chris Christie,  he has the people who now how to get back at you even though he totally knows nothing  about it.

And he’s willing to spend another million taxpayer dollars to prove it….

[Chris Christie - Morning Suckers via Donkey Hotey on FLICKR, Creative Commons licensed]

The worst about us is how we treat the least among us

By TBogg
Friday, March 28, 2014 10:58 EDT

(You can donate to Shanesha Taylor here) Here are a few headlines from the last three days. As N.H. shelters close, one question: ‘Where are we supposed to go?’ On Wednesday night, Locke slept in one of 68 beds available at one of two winter homeless shelters in Concord. When those shelters closed for the season yesterday morning, she joined a homeless population that doesn’t have a bed, or money to rent an apartment, or…


‘Hobby Lobby’ Is Not Slang For ‘Vagina’ – A Guide For Guys

By TBogg
Wednesday, March 26, 2014 14:22 EDT

You lead a busy life. When you’re not wasting time at work, bip-bopping around the internet checking out ESPN.com or looking at pictures of hot actresses without their make-up and wondering if you’d still ‘do’ them, you still make time to do your real job: whether it is processing an…


I, for one, do not welcome our new tech-bro CEOverlords

By TBogg
Monday, March 24, 2014 16:01 EDT

The Internet Age – which you are currently soaking in – has given us many wonderful things. There is the website originally envisioned as a social networking hub for college students that has since been taken over by elderly people for the purpose of exchanging pictures of their grandchildren and urban…


People on the internet behaving badly

By TBogg
Thursday, March 20, 2014 10:58 EDT

While it is true that ”politics is show business for ugly people”, it is equally true that those who join the Beltway media become part of the high school that goes by the name of ‘The Villagers.’ Once enrolled, the maneuvering, the sucking up, the herd mentality, takes over as alliances…


Rich conservatives can’t stop Nazi-shaming poor people who aren’t actually Nazis

By TBogg
Tuesday, March 18, 2014 18:44 EDT

It was less than two months ago when Thomas Perkins, billionaire watch-owner and Death-Yacht Race 1996 winner, fretted in the Wall Street Journal that America was one Google bus away from going Full Metal Kristallnacht on the 1%’s asses. The cause of his distress was because someone threw a brick…


The return of the son of the bride of ‘This is why we can’t have nice things’

By TBogg
Monday, March 17, 2014 19:42 EDT

Last week the wise and wonderful Charles Pierce lamented the malaise-y Democratic base which can’t seem to put down their lattes and kale wraps and go vote in the damn midterm elections. He wrote: Somebody is going to have to explain to me why the Democratic “base,” which is presumably…


From the makers of ’17, Preggers & Palin’ comes Sarah Palin’s ‘More Stuff About Me’ TV

By TBogg
Friday, March 14, 2014 18:31 EDT

Oh look, Sarah Palin is in the news again! When we last saw Sarah she was making announcements on her ShoutyFace page about making announcements on her ShoutyFace page about doin’ some heavy vettin’, some hard homeworkin’ , and being very discernmental about the folks she wants her fans to…


Sarah Palin’s deep-thinking matchmaking service is open for business, so send money

By TBogg
Thursday, March 13, 2014 7:17 EDT

John McCain legacy highlight and Bible Belt yuckster Sarah Palin made a very important announcement on her ShoutyFace page yesterday  that she is going to be making very important announcements on her ShoutyFace page real soon that will save our “free republic” from people who are just in it to…


So much for the afterglow: A history of CPAC straw poll whiffs, misses, and ‘seriously?’

By TBogg
Tuesday, March 11, 2014 14:27 EDT

The annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) Freak Show has closed up shop after another year of dishing red meat to attendees who came to town with a dull gleam in their eyes and a three-pack of condoms in their wallet (purchased during the first G.W. Bush administration) and then…