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Colbert: If atheists can go to heaven, I want my Catholicism refunded
Thursday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert marveled at the announcement by Pope Francis that there are good atheists who are loved by God. “The Lord has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ: all of us, not just Catholics. Everyone! ‘Father, the…
Colbert: John ‘MC Tangerine Dream’ Boehner is right about IRS scandal
On Wednesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert discussed the difficulty he is currently facing when so many scandals are wracking the Obama administration at once. Trying to choose which scandal to report on at any given time, Colbert said, “is like trying to pick which one…
Colbert concludes tea partiers are ‘a bunch of pussies’ after consulting his lawyer
Stephen Colbert emerged from a glass case of scandal journalism on Monday to find out there was a perfectly good reason his own super PAC had been “slow-walked” by the Internal Revenue Service. “Why has my application for tax-exempt status never been granted?” he asked his lawyer, Trevor Potter. “Because…
Colbert admits that he, like everyone else, never read ‘Gatsby’
Thursday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert welcomed Carey Mulligan, one of the stars of Baz Luhrman’s reboot of “The Great Gatsby.” Colbert said that, given the two weeks he had to prepare for the show, of course he read the book first. “Which I really enjoyed,” he…
Colbert: Summer blockbuster movies are ‘destroying America’
Thursday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert warned that certain summer blockbuster movies could be harboring secret anti-American themes. The new “Superman” film stars an Englishman and parts of “Iron Man 3″ were edited for a special Chinese-only edition. Colbert began the segment by confessing his love of…
Colbert: ‘Let’s end poverty by flying the poor to sub-Saharan Africa’
Hearing about the practice of “medical repatriation” — hospitals shipping undocumented patients back to their countries of origin, often while unconscious — didn’t bother Stephen Colbert. Since, unbeknownst to him, immigrants get sick “just like normal people” (and it’s hard to buy lottery tickets while dealing with a catheter) this…
Colbert shares Yelp prison reviews for benefit of ‘violent criminals’ in his audience
Stephen Colbert shared some stories from the review site on Yelp Monday, he said, because he was looking out for his audience. “I know that a large segment of my audience is violent criminals,” he explained, before advising viewers on how to use his show’s new phone app while leading…
Colbert: Mars rover’s penis doodle proves America’s ‘galactic supremacy’
On Wednesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert presented a segment called “Tiny Triumphs,” in which he celebrated the fact that the Mars rover is now drawing penises on the face of the planet, meaning that America is now treating the Earth’s nearest planetary neighbor like a…
Colbert warns: Americans are going to start gay-marrying their weed
Thursday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert lamented the decline in our national moral character, as evinced by the fact that a majority of Americans now support same sex marriage and marijuana legalization, which can only end one way. People are going to start marrying their weed. A…
Colbert: Mop sink in Tennessee capitol is really a ‘terrorist foot shower’
Wednesday night on “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert discussed the group of Tennessee legislators who mistook a mop sink in a janitorial closet for an Islamic foot-bath. All over the country, Colbert said, you can see signs of a gradual Muslim takeover of our culture. Brave conservative legislators must…
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