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Colbert reveals his lottery-winning secrets

On Thursday night’s “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert took on the topic of the Mega Millions Lottery prize, which is currently up to $540 million. Colbert claims to hold the winning ticket, having used techniques he learned from watching “Good Morning America” to choose his numbers. “Good Morning America”…

Stephen Colbert won’t obey the health care edicts of Pres. ‘Baroccoli Obama’

If there are two things Stephen Colbert has learned from television news over the last couple of days, it’s that the individual mandate is dead and that the health care debate is ultimately all about broccoli. The fact that neither of these things is true matters not a whit, apparently,…

Colbert: Obama is still planning to not take away our guns

Stephen Colbert displayed urgency in discussing the ongoing conspiracy of President Barack Obama taking away people’s guns Tuesday evening, calling it “the end of the Republic.” Colbert mentioned a Fox News segment where anchor Megyn Kelly suggested an Obama re-election has led to an increase in gun sales. “The fear…

Colbert: GOP primary like 2008 minus women and black people

Comedy Central host Stephen Colbert on Wednesday said that he was thrilled that the Republican presidential primary had been extended after former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney failed to win Alabama and Mississippi. “Long, slow and painful!” Colbert exclaimed. “Thank you, Jesus!” “The Democrats had the same situation last time when…

Colbert asks where Romney’s dog would go if his car had a windmill

Bored with President Barack Obama’s energy policy, Stephen Colbert spent Monday evening championing the GOP presidential candidates for being “plain spoken” folks when it comes to science. The Comedy Central personality had an animated one-sided discussion about Rick Santorum’s latest dismissal of climate change with his house plant Robert, who…

Colbert: Jeff Foxworthy is no longer a ‘redneck’ for endorsing Romney

Stephen Colbert previewed the upcoming Mississippi and Alabama contests in the GOP presidential race Monday evening with a faux Southern accent imitating Mitt Romney’s new country slang. The Comedy Central personality was particularly enthused with comedian Jeff Foxworthy endorsing the former Massachusetts governor and joining him for a campaign stop.…

Stephen Colbert calls Fox’s Bolling to find out his gas price secret

For days, rising Fox News personality Eric Bolling has been touting a “secret plan” to lower gas prices by a dollar, a plan that he refuses to disclose to anyone but the Obama administration. He claims the plan is written down on a sheet of paper in a manilla envelope…

Colbert tries to stop the Romney countdown clock

Wednesday night on The Colbert Report, host Stephen Colbert discussed the results of the Super Tuesday elections in the fight for the GOP nomination. The answer, of course, is that there is no answer and that the primary battle will drag on into the spring. On Tuesday, Newt Gingrich carried…

Colbert uses transvaginal ultrasound wand for Super Tuesday margarita

Stephen Colbert shared his wide of array of cooking options in celebration of Super Tuesday, including his famous Republican salsa consisting of “mostly mayonnaise with a dash of Miracle Whip.” “Folks, this is it, it is Super Tuesday,” he said. “It is like the Super Bowl of politics, if it…

Colbert: Limbaugh slips pills to women to have sex

Stephen Colbert decided to provide his own colorful opinion over Rush Limbaugh’s current problems Monday evening and advocated for a “dedicated Youtube channel for Medicare patients colonoscopies.” The Colbert Report host came to the defense of the much maligned radio host after replaying all of Limbaugh’s notable attacks on Georgetown…

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