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9 reasons why you should wish to sneak your own mayonnaise jar (with knife enclosed) onto a jet airliner

 

As Raw Story noted earlier this week, an unidentified man tried to sneak a jar of mayo –and a knife– onto a flight bound for Mexico City.

But what no one has since reported is WHY someone would try to do that. The following are some possibilities:

1. “The cuisine provided on this airline is far too dry, and the moistureless environment of the passenger cabin merely makes it worse. However, I do not wish to offend the sensibilities of the kindly attendants by asking them for as much mayonnaise as I require for any given meal. Asking for a knife for my hidden mayonnaise supply would only call attention to their dilemma, and to mine. Ergo, the solution.”

2. It’s better to have a “Knife in a Mayonnaise Jar on the Airplane” than “Colonel Mustard in the Library With a Pistol!”

3. “The vile environment of the average jet lavatory will not dissuade me should I ‘get lucky’ tonight. Although it generally requires my own special lubricant. The knife is just to be perverse.”

4. “It has that nifty new bird flu strain in it that the scientists just invented, the one that’s spread easily between humans …the mayonnaise a mundane disguise and vehicle for that strain. The knife is just to be perverse.”

5. “That new Culture Clutch blog is certain not to miss this true mystery.”

6. In the higher radiation environment an airliner ascends to, the ingredients of common mayonnaise behave as an ultra-oxidating compound, thereby dissolving the knife’s metal blade into a harmless rubbery substance. If people knew anything about science nowadays I wouldn’t have to explain this to you.

7. He wanted to hide the knife in a lava lamp. But that retro vibe is outre, man. Better to stick to the essentials.

8. Nobody wanted to see that knife. It was an “icky” knife.

9. A stainless steel knife –together with its handle– has to marinate for several hours in mayonnaise in a pressurized airliner cabin before it’s edible. If people knew anything about cooking nowadays, I wouldn’t have to explain this to you.

Written by | Earl Yazel

Earl Yazel currently resides in the San Francisco Bay Area, where he grew up and attended university. He has written for and participated in broadcasts for the flagship Pacifica Radio station KPFA in Berkeley, California, on the long-running Over the Edge program. He may be reached at e_yazel@yahoo.co.uk

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