Hey dad, long time no see. What smells like desperation and moose?
I have never been one to mince words, so I'll get right to the point.
If you are at all concerned about the prospect of the Democrats gaining total control of the federal government, then your help is needed right now.
To stay competitive and ultimately win this election we must raise $10 million by September 15th. That is an enormous challenge. And we cannot do it alone - we must have your help to meet that goal.
Now seems like the right time to share with you a few facts about my father, the recipient of this missive. Auguste Sr.:
- Is a registered Democrat;
- Has not voted for a Republican presidential candidate since Richard Nixon (I believe the phrase he's used has been "fell for it");
- Has, in the past, referred to Carter as "the best President we've ever had";
- Is scared to death that McCain might be elected;
- Nevertheless allowed me to blog about this only on the condition that I, no matter how tempting it might be, not reveal the McCain campaign's FedEx account number.
That's right, you heard me, his FedEx account number:
That is why I hope you will use the enclosed pre-paid, pre-addressed Federal Express Envelope and rush an Emergency Contribution of $5,000, $1,000, $500, $250 or $100 to the McCain Leadership Committee as soon as you possibly can.
Let me tell you why your support is so urgent.
The Democrats are unprecedented in the amount of money they have already raised and spent, in the number of TV ads they are running, and in the amount of unquestioning media coverage they are receiving.
O RLY, John? Unquestioning media coverage, you say?
Unquestion- Ah never mind, I'm depressed.
And that doesn't even scratch the surface of the amount of liberal special interest spending that is being done on their behalf by organizations like MoveOn.org and the Big Labor Union AFSCME.
<Needless capital letters: "the new scare quotes."
While there is no doubt that our Party is in for the toughest political battle we have ever faced, I know we can win. We defied greater odds before, and we are in a strong position now.
Our challenge is clear. We must make this campaign about the issues. We must get the voters to break through the smokescreen of the Obama Democrats empty rhetoric and focus on the reality of their tax-and-spend domestic plans and irresponsible foreign policy.
The difference between me and our Republican candidates, and the Obama Democrats is unmistakable. If we lose the presidency, we could be facing one of the most radical and extreme shifts in the direction of our nation in American history. And if Democrats also retain control of Congress, they would control the entire federal government and would be unstoppable.
Double-super emphasis in the original, but you better believe I'd have added it if not. Because oh. my. eleventy-one.
I mean, okay, it'll probably hit McCain's base where it lives. It may work; I'll be interested to hear whether the McCain Leadership Committee rakes in the cash. And where, I wonder, is the money going, since McCain can't actually use any of it without breaking the law, which we all know is just impossible for him to even consider? Well, "the first $28,500 will go to the RNC, the next portion will be divided evenly between the Michigan, Missouri, Ohio, and Pennsylvania state parties' federal accounts up to a maximum of $9,250 for each Committee, and the final $2,300 will go to the Compliance Fund." Something tells me McCain would be better served donating the first $2,300 to the Compliance Fund, but no, there's probably nothing illegal about this.
But given that the Compliance Fund's stated intention is to make sure that the "campaign doesn't have to pay legal and accounting costs from the general campaign account. This means more money for 'get-out-the-vote' mailers, yard signs, bumper stickers, and advertising in battleground states" it might help if the McCain better vetted their list of where to send their $20 pre-paid FedEx mailers.
Blah blah blah blah blah Sincerely,
P.S. Mr. Auguste Sr., I need you to stand with me. The next 10 days are extremely critical. Whatever you can afford to send - please send it today. The only way we can defeat the Democrats [sic] bid for the White House and complete control of our government, and effectively challenge the most massive fundraising machine in campaign history is with your immediate help. Please rush your Emergency Campaign Contribution for $5,000, $1,000, $500 $250 or $100 to the McCain Leadership Committee by placing it in the enclosed pre-paid, pre-addressed Federal Express Overnight Envelope and calling 1-800-238-5355 for a free pick-up today. Thank you!
Don't mind if I do!
(For explanation of the 9 cents figure, click here. Also, I am aware that Amy Goodman is, at the time of this writing, free.)