First they came for abortion, then they came for contraception, then they attacked HPV vaccination, and now they’re coming for mammograms. I’ve long figured this was the direction that the anti-choice movement is heading, but watching it unfold is like watching a snail try to cross a football field. Working up the bullshit excuse and the courage to expand their opposition to health care for women—at least that addressing our the parts that make us not-men and therefore are too disgusting to be considered, much less exposed to medical examination—takes these cowards and morons a long fucking time.
Say what you will about the actual Taliban, but at least they cut to the chase. One all-purpose excuse for why women can’t see doctors—because it’s immodest—and they’re done. They have their reason to deny women health care, and they don’t have to admit that it’s because the idea of fucking women up by proxy pleases them. Modesty is an infinitely better excuse than “the babies” in terms of wrapping your excuse around the goal. Anti-choicers chose “the babies” because it made their nuttiness more sympathetic, and seemed to be a more effective disguise for their misogyny. But they’re trading coherence for sympathy. Every new incursion into agitating against ladyparts health care must be related somehow to saving embryos, fetuses, or potential ones, which is why the argument against contraception isn’t a straightforward, “We want you to be punished for fucking,” but, “Condoms create a ‘contraceptive mentality’ that leads to abortion.”
The tortured reasoning in play here is this: The Susan G. Komen Foundation is offensive, because they a) don’t “admit” to a connection between breast cancer and abortion that doesn’t exist and b) they give money to Planned Parenthood so they can pay for mammograms for lower income women. But as we all know, Planned Parenthood is in the “abortion industry”—Ross Douthat told me so!—and so it’s not possible that they’re actually providing mammograms with the mammogram money. For all we know, there is no such thing as a “mammogram”. It’s probably just another, more gruesome way to perform abortions.
Let’s face it: Susan G. Komen and Planned Parenthood are conspiring to cover up the fact that women are now growing babies in their boobs. And these “mammograms” are simply an attempt to abort those precious little babies by squishing them.
I know what you’re thinking: if women could grow babies in their breasts, wouldn’t we have figured this out already? Human being have been having babies for 4,000 years now, longer if you’re a heathen who believes in evolution.
There’s a simple answer to your question: Babies grow in boobies because women swallow semen, duh. If you were having sex the normal way, you’d get babies in the normal lower ladypart region. But now these young girls these days think it’s fine to have a man ejaculate in their mouths, and sometimes that means they pay the consequence of boob-babies. It makes perfect sense. That’s roughly where your throat ends, isn’t it? A man’s Jesus spooge has to go somewhere, doesn’t it? Boobs are the only logical place.
The means that the existence of boob-babies can be traced back to 1997, when Bill Clinton invented the blow job. And since he’s so pro-abort, you know he immediately enlisted Planned Parenthood and Susan G. Komen to cover up the consequences of his terrible discovery. And only now is the truth coming out.