Steven Crowder, best known as the voice of Baseball Boy #1 in 2008's straight-to-video version of The Velveteen Rabbit, wants us to know about all the sex he's not having.

Funnily enough, today there is one area of sex that when discussed, still makes people’s posteriors pucker with discomfort… abstinence.

The idea of abstinence has become somewhat of a punchline in this country. From the myth of unrealistic “abstinence only” education, to the media’s constant portrayal (and mockery) of young, nerdy, out of touch Christians riddled with chastity pendants, the message on abstinence being pumped through pop-culture is clear; If you’re abstinent it’s either because A) you’re ugly or B) you’re a loser. In my case, it was often both.

Actually, I'm perfectly fine accepting that attractive, successful people can be abstinent. However, if you push abstinence like sexlessness will make gold coins sprinkle from your crotch, chances are that you're not pushing your cool lifestyle choice because it's so self-evidently awesome. You're probably pushing it because you're desperately trying to convince other people that the variety of personal issues which lead to you believe that having sex will immediately ruin your relationship aren't your own goddamn problem.

Maybe it’s just the lack of fun-factor, or maybe it started with harlotry being misused as a fulcrum for women’s liberation, but if you so much as suggest to someone that abstinence might be beneficial, you’ll often find yourself vilified as a judgmental jackass faster than Bill Maher can throw up his dainty hands.

Why would any limp-wristed, sex-having homosexual faggot-man ever think you were being judgmental about his having sex with women?

Listen, one doesn’t need to be religious (nor a rocket scientist) to see the value of abstinence. Let’s disregard the immediately eliminated risk of increasingly popular STD’ and STI’s. Heck, let’s even discount the statistical data showing that sexual exclusivity seems overwhelmingly conducive to a successful marriage. Abstinence also provides an incomparable bond of trust in a relationship.

Actually, I know a lot of relationships in which abstinence happens out a complete lack of trust, but then again, rationalization is super fun.

I can tell you beyond any doubt, that my lady is able to control herself and stick to her values regardless of circumstance. Just as surely, she can say the same about me (Ben&Jerry’s benders notwithstanding). It is that display of self-control, that tangible example of living your principles through your life’s walk that ensures her that I won’t be jumping on the first well-proportioned opportunity that comes my way.

Look, let's talk about cheating for a second. People who are abstinent cheat. If you can't trust your partner unless they purposely withhold something from themselves, then you need to be with a different partner. Plus, let's be completely honest: if Crowder's girlfriend said that she loved this article so much she was ready to stop being abstinent, he'd be back in 24 hours with an article about all the awesome sex Christians have.

By the same token, I can rest easy knowing that my dame won’t be trying to bed Jersey Shore’s “The Situation” anytime soon. -- Though he does have great abs.

...Huh. That was just...weird.

Strong trust is the result. Constantly we hear cries of women aimed at their supposedly overly jealous boyfriends, “What’s the matter? Don’t you trust me?”

No, he doesn’t. You slept with him on the first date and there is no reason for him to think that you wouldn’t do the same when a better offer comes along.

Ahhh, I see now. You can't trust that a woman isn't a walking penis depository unless she refuses all penises equally! Of course, then you'd have to wonder if she'll ever have sex with you, but it's worth it. You never have to worry about the woman who's in love with you and wants to go out for four hours with her friends, which is great. There's no chance she'll give in to her insane lust for four minutes of missionary in the bathroom at Red Robin - and really, isn't that what love is?

While we’re on the subject, has the whole floozie shtick really empowered any women out there? I would imagine that immediate sexual gratification being assumed in modern relationships would do more damage to your gatekeeper status than good. I’d also have to imagine that sex with someone whom you share trust, loyalty and open communication would be far more liberating than the thrill of any one-night stand you could enjoy.

It's too bad that there's no middle ground between getting boozed up and having sex with someone whose name might be Tim or Tom or Todd or LeVontae...and complete abstinence.

I do appreciate, however, that Baseball Boy #1 has reduced all sexual activity outside of his chosen path to women being uncontrollable whores. It's convinced me that I need to go find a lady who won't touch me. On that note, I think I'm now dating all of the waitresses at my favorite bar. We trust each other so much!