Stop the War on Weed, Bro!
A new poll shows that the majority of Americans (56%) are in favor of legalizing and then taxing and regulating marijuana. Now a bunch of politicians are going to talk and debate and wring their hands about it. Some people are going to be all, “Yeah, 4/20, dude!” and other people are going to be all, “It’s a gateway drug! Marijuana on 4/20, heroin on 4/21! It’s inevitable!” and some other people are going to be all, “Think of the children!” and the potheads will be all, “Screw that, man, smoke the children!”
Well, to end the debate once and for all, I present to you some facts about marijuana:
- A lot of people smoke it.
- A lot of people who claim they never have smoked it really have smoked it.
- It has many medicinal purposes.
- It’s good for you.
- If you smoke weed, you will probably be elected President.
- No one ever got high and beat his wife.
- It is virtually impossible to drive at a speed greater than 45 MPH while “on weed.”
- If you smoke weed, you’ll probably win a bunch of gold medals at the Olympics.
- People are going to smoke it no matter what, so might has well tax that shit and make some money off it.
These “facts” may or may not have been pulled directly from my own ass, but hey, they sound scientific, which means I win.
The bottom line is this: President Obama needs to legalize marijuana, and he needs to do it, like, yesterday. Conor Friesdorf has an article in The Atlantic that lays out the case for legalization, and it’s solid.
As a matter of politics, I get why he’s being coy on the weed issue — at least I think I do. Remember his birthday BBQ? Remember when he responded to questions about the sort of music he likes to listen to? Shenanigans. The right painted President Obama as some thug who was hosting “hip-hop barbecues” and who prefers Lil Wayne to Wayne “I have no grillz on my teeth” Newton. Any steps President Obama takes to legalize marijuana will be further evidence of his anti-colonial über-Kenyan Islamofascist values.
So, yeah — I get it. But dude? You promised that you would quit raiding the dispensaries located in states where medical marijuana is legal and I done seen you raiding my stash.
It ain’t right. Quit it. You’re harshin’ my mellow.