On Thursday night’s episode of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert addressed a series of new threats facing our country in an installment of his series “Threat Down.” British naturalists, he said, have revealed a previously hidden archive of writings that tell of penguins’ total sexual depravity. In another story, in 2011, more Americans were crushed and killed by their own televisions and furniture than were killed by terrorism. And, as Raw Story recently reported, several baby soaps and shampoos contain trace amounts of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, which Colbert believes explains a lot.
British naturalists have stumbled across an archive of 1915 writings by Antarctic scientist George Murray Levick, who detailed the shocking sexual behavior he observed in Adelie penguins at the South Pole. Colbert was horrified, saying “Our kids look up to these flightless freaks! Madagascar, Surf’s Up, Happy Feet…? I tell ya why those feet were happy. Somebody was sucking on their toes.”
Colbert also referenced an article in the Atlantic which said that in 2011, about the same number of Americans were killed by terrorists as were “crushed by their own televisions or furniture.” “Terrorist furniture” must be stopped, said Colbert, and it’s everywhere. “We’ve got ottomans hiding in plain sight! Sometimes with afghans!”
And finally, there is the threat posed by babies getting stoned on their bath products. According to Colbert, the fact that so many baby soaps and shampoos have THC in them accounts for so much, including stoners’ fantastic hygiene. Really though, babies are kind of the original stoners, Colbert said, lying around in their own filth all day, watching ‘Yo, Gabba Gabba” and giggling at nothing.
Watch the clip, embedded below via Comedy Central: