On Wednesday night's edition of the Colbert Report, host Stephen Colbert warned that the rumored looming shortage of pork and bacon could well be part of an Islamic plot, which is ultimately part of President Barack Obama's plan to turn the United States of America into the Ottoman Empire.
Agricultural officials warn that worldwide droughts have led to a shortage of animal feed, making a global shortage of pork and pork products all but "unavoidable."
Colbert asked last night whether global warming and crop failure are really to blame. "But I believe this bacon shortage is a conspiracy," he said, "a ba-conspiracy."
The bacon shortage, he averred, is really an example of "creeping Sharia law," and he laid the blame squarely at the feet of President Barack Obama.
"I have been warning you for years," said Colbert. "Well, now the chicken Shawarma has come home to roost."
Barack Obama's inaction in the face of the uprisings of the "Arab Spring" has allowed for a radical Muslim makeover of the Middle East, said Colbert, rolling footage from Fox News, then testimony by congressman Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) who said that the president's actions have helped to "jump start a new Ottoman Empire" in the Middle East.
And here we thought that the Ottoman Empire had ended somewhere in the 1920s, but no, apparently, it did not. Prepare yourselves, America, Colbert warned, to go back to the days of Suleiman the Magnificent, Emperor "Mehmed, the meh...," as Colbert called him.
Imagine the havoc this is going to wreak on our spice routes, Colbert implored. The borders of this New Ottoman Empire will not stop in the Middle East. "It'll Sharia-creep its way on to American shores," he warned darkly. "And the next thing you know, Cat Deeley is hosting 'So You Think You Can Dervish.'"
The host was then joined by "Mustafa, the Grand Vizier of the Turkish Horde," a representative of Obama's Ottoman America, who promised that under the new Empire, all citizens will be forced to play the oud, eat carob and do algebra.
"You MONSTER!" cried Colbert in horror.
Watch the video, embedded via Comedy Central, below: