On Tuesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert discussed the steadily worsening prospects of former Gov. Mitt Romney (R-MA)’s bid for the presidency. A new poll in the National Journal shows that President Barack Obama leads Romney in the polls by 7 points, garnering 50 percent of likely voters to Romney’s 43 percent.
“But folks,” Colbert said, “there’s no reason to panic. Fox News will panic for you.”
He then ran a clip reel that began with Fox’s Neil Cavuto saying that polls in the battleground states “understate Romney’s support.” Cavuto was followed by “Papa Bear” Bill O’Reilly, who asserted “I don’t believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin,” followed by Gretchen Carson of “Fox and Friends,” who said, “I think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates.”
“Yeah, after one or two of the debates!” Colbert agreed. “Mid-October, give it time. The Romney campaign is only on its third re-boot since the convention. We’ve had businessman Romney, foreign affairs Romney, Latino Romney…but we still haven’t seen Aqua Romney!”
Aqua Romney, according to Colbert, “uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47 percent of them are just lampreys.”
“So conservatives, don’t worry about the polls,” he urged. “It is way too early to start mourning the death of the Romney campaign. And I am not in denial, because that would mean that I’m starting the five stages of grief.”
The five stages of grief, as outlined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and, eventually, acceptance. Kübler-Ross posited that most people pass through these emotional states as part of a normal grieving process.
After insisting that he is not in denial, Colbert said, “Oooh, and that makes me so angry, and I will do anything not to be going through the five stages. Let’s make a deal, god!” Then, after a pause, he confessed, “I’m so sad,” then bowed his head, before saying, “Well! Nothing more I can do. It’s time to just give up…which I won’t! Because everything’s fine!”
Watch the video, embedded via Comedy Central, below: