On Thursday night's edition of "The Colbert Report," host Stephen Colbert enthused about the pleasures of a traditional Lupercalia -- the holiday upon which St. Valentine's Day was originally based -- including drinking skins of wine, sacrificing goats and whipping women to make them more fertile.
Colbert began the show by wishing everyone a happy Valentine's Day.
"I hope you're spending it with someone you love," he said, "and if you're watching my show, you are."
The host went on to say that when it comes to holidays, he's an originalist.
"On Christmas, it's not Santa Claus, it's Sinterklaas. You leave out your shoes for him to fill with nuts and dry fruit," he explained. "Or, if you have been naughty, you're kidnapped by his Moorish elfin sidekick, Black Peter. Ho ho ho."
Valentine's Day, he said, isn't really about chocolates or flowers or jewelry. It's about the "L-word," Lupercalia, the Roman fertility feast that falls in mid-February.
Lupercalia is named for Lupa, the wolf goddess who suckled Romulus and Remus, the twin founders of the Roman Empire.
Which, by the way, he said is what's wrong with kids today, "Not enough wolf teat."
"After the show tonight," he told viewers, "I want you to celebrate a traditional Valentine's Day by guzzling a couple of skins full of wine, sacrificing a goat to Venus, wearing its skin and then racing through the town whipping any women you pass with a short leather thong to promote fertility."
"You know," he added. "Romance!"
Watch the video, embedded below via Comedy Central: