The sight of people demonstrating in favor of marriage equality as the Supreme Court heard arguments on the issue unnerved Stephen Colbert on Tuesday night, citing a statement from Justice Samuel Alito earlier in the day.
Same-sex marriage, Alito said while hearing arguments on the issue, "is newer than cell phones or the Internet."
"And remember, it was 30 years before everybody had cell phones," Colbert pointed out. "What's the hurry, gays?"
The problem, Colbert determined, was that gay people were trapping Republican lawmakers like Sen. Rob Portman (R-OH) in what he called "the long gay con," infiltrating their family via birth and currying favor by letting themselves be raised in a loving environment before coming out.
But Colbert did praise Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), who said in a March 20 interview, "I'm not gay. So I'm not going to marry one," for holding the line.
"Suck on that, gays," Colbert huffed. "Saxby Chambliss isn't going to marry you. Ergo, you don't get to marry anyone."
Colbert explained that both he and Chambliss believed that no cause is worth fighting for unless it affected you personally.
"If memory serves, Lincoln freed the slaves because he was black," he explained. "Senator Chambliss, on the other hand, is white. That explains why he's against affirmative action. And Saxby Chambliss voted against the 2009 stimulus bill because he's already got a job. And by his own logic, no marriage is legitimate except marriage to Saxby Chambliss. So, sorry ladies."
Watch Colbert break down the politics of "narcicitizenship," as aired Tuesday on Comedy Central, below.