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Colbert tells straight people how to protect their marriages from gay threats

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On Wednesday night’s edition of “The Colbert Report,” host Stephen Colbert announced that he is hosting the show from a mobile studio affixed to the belly of a dirigible suspended in the air high above international waters. He said that he took the evasive action to escape the “hot, sweaty mass of man-meat that is no doubt writhing over the face of our once-great nation” in the wake of the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), the 1995 federal legislation defining marriage as being between a man and a woman.

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“Traditional marriage is now as defenseless,” he warned, “as a freshman frat pledge about to go through the spanking machine.”

“So, straight, married people listen up. If a gay person charges your marriage, you’re going to want to puff yourself up, make yourself seem bigger and try to frighten it off by talking in a firm, loud voice,” instructed Colbert, “about pleated denim or Jimmy Buffet.”

[Ed note: This gay reporter literally flinched while typing the phrase “pleated denim,” so clearly it must work.]

Watch the video, embedded via Comedy Central, below:

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WATCH: Trump advisor trashes Dr. Fauci — while pushing coronavirus conspiracy theories

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