The Athens-Clarke County Tea Party Patriots of Athens, Georgia have a problem. At the group’s first annual “Liberty Convention” in June, the convention’s many sponsors declined to pay the amounts they agreed to pay for banners and program mentions. On top of that, the expected crowd of 2,500 true sons and daughters of liberty never materialized. Instead, a mere 95 patriots turned up for the festivities.
As a result, the group is deep in debt and owes more than $65,000 to its roster of speakers, including 2012 Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson and Sandy Hook “truther” journalist Ben Swann. Athens Tea Party Patriots chairman Keyantwon Stephens has said that the group will make good on its obligations, but was unable to say what kind of fundraising efforts they will undertake save a passing mention of a “community carnival.”
Being big fans of ferris wheels, bumper cars and food on a stick, we at the Raw Story Schadenfreude Desk would like to share some of our ideas for attractions at the tea party community carnival.
1. Some 2-D cut-outs of Mickey Mouse holding sheets of clean, blank paper and saying, “You must be THIS WHITE to vote in this district, kids!”
2. The Bell Curve roller coaster, in which conservatives can go up and down and round and round pretending that their racism is based on science.
3. The Cognitive Dissonance House of Mirrors, in which people on Medicare-funded mobility scooters can watch themselves waving signs protesting government health care.
4. Whac-Em-All, a game very much like Whac-a-Mole, except instead of mammalian lawn and garden pests, participants beat down minority college graduates and scream about affirmative action.
5. EBT Ball, a game in which conservatives compete for prizes by throwing tennis balls at poor people and trying to knock the food out of their mouths.
6. The Freak Tent, where some of conservatives’ worst, most fevered nightmare figures lurk, including The Cadillac Driving Welfare Queen, the War on Christmas Atheist Shock Troops, the New Black Panthers (both of them!), the African-American Turnout Machine and the birth-control-pill-popping, abortion-happy Sexually Liberated Woman and her on-again/off-again girlfriend, Angry Feminazi, who spends her days burning her bra and biting the heads off roosters, JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE MALE.
7. The Free Market Social Safety Net, a ride on which conservatives are lifted up to 150 feet in the air and then dropped. At the top, carnival personnel distribute parachutes to those who can afford them ($800 for a regular chute, $1,100 for one with an emergency back up in case the first one doesn’t open) and then kick everyone, parachutes or not, off the tower to see who hits the ground first.
8. The Downward Slide, a fast-moving ride dedicated to what the country would be like if tea partiers got their way and shrunk the government small enough to be drowned in a bathtub. Features include Big City Cholera Funtime, 20 Collapsing Bridges over the Mississippi, Guess When that Hurricane is Coming Ashore Now That NOAA’s Gone and the new unregulated agriculture ride, Toxic Treats and Tapeworms for Everybody!
9. Second Amendment Ram-It Days, a version of the carnival staple bumper-cars, but with a twist! One in every ten cars is primed to fire its guns erratically when it encounters a darker-colored car, and half of the participants have been instructed to keep their concealed weapons handy and shoot at anyone who annoys them or gets in their way. You get to guess who they are!
But of course, if the carnival fails to live up to expectations and doesn’t fill that gaping $65,000 hole, the Athens-Clarke County Tea Party Patriots could always fall back on that favorite fundraising prank of college Republicans:
10. The Affirmative Action Bake Sale, in which conservatives manage to bring a racist agenda to something as universally loved and admired as cupcakes and other fresh baked goods.
Good luck, teabaggers! Hope y’all can find your way back to personal and fiscal responsibility before you get sued!