You’ve probably been busy with lots of important stuff lately (reading blogs at work, ignoring your New Year’s resolutions, watching American Idol, convincing yourself that life isn’t a meaningless and empty void of despair even though you wake up sobbing every morning, making cupcakes … stuff like that) so you can be forgiven for not knowing that next Monday is January 2oth is Official American Inauguration Day which means that America is about to make Hillary Clinton our new President. Yay, Ladypart-Americans!
What is that, you say? When did we elect Hillary Clinton the boss of all of us? Did I miss the election? Have I been in a coma? Are the cupcakes done and can I lick the bowl? These are all very important questions and they can be answered by noting that clear-eyed political observers Jennifer Rubin and Bill Kristol have decided that Hillary Clinton’s presidential hopes are deader than hotsoup.com which can only mean: game over, man, it’s a done deal, she’s got it in the bag. suck it Teabaggers, in your face! Let’s get this coronation started now and beat the rush so we can start speculating about who will primary President Hillary from the left in 2020 .
But first, let us count the reasons why President Hillary is a femme accompli, starting with Mitt Romney’s non-shiksa ex-wife Jennifer Rubin who Benghazisplains that Hillary is Benghazidoomed (BENHAZIDOOMED!) by … wait for it … easy easy …. stay… okay: Travelgate.
No, just kidding, it’s Benghazi:
We don’t know why the White House and Hillary Clinton’s State Department were caught napping and how it could have escaped their notice that Libya was being overrun by jihadis (just as they did in Syria while the administration did nothing). It is not lost on Republicans that this reintroduces numerous questions about Clinton’s competence, candor and attentiveness. In a written statement Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) states, “The committee should reexamine former Secretary of State Clinton’s failure to provide adequate security for our deployed personnel in Benghazi, as well as what actions she and others, including the President, took in the hours and days that followed the attack.”
What we do know is that Clinton was running the State Department, which had primary responsibility for the safety of her people. And we do know Clinton has never fully explained herself let alone apologized directly to the family and loved ones of those murdered. (“I am sorry but I just had no system for spotting critical memos“? “I was so convinced Libya was a success story that I lost track of things there“?) The media this week insisted one 2016 contender may be too hobbled to run for the White House. Right diagnosis, wrong candidate?
For context, that “wrong” candidate that Rubin is talking about is Chris Christie and things are going just swimmingly for him and shut up shut up shut up, all is well, remain calm! So you should take Jennnifer Rubin’s word for it because she has never been wrong before. Like, ever.
Before Romney’s trip to London, Rubin wrote, in a post hilariously headlined “Obama team nervous about Romney overseas trip” (half her campaign posts are variations on this headline — Obama is ALWAYS panicky in the face of the brilliant, canny, ascendant Romney campaign), “The Obama campaign can’t bear the thought that the well-traveled Mitt Romney will make a nice impression on his overseas tour.”
They needn’t have worried! We remember the impression Romney made in the U.K., at least, where the nation’s two most prominent Conservative politicians ended up publicly denouncing him. The result: Rubin decided that she hated David Cameron and his stupid Olympics. She never actually mentioned what happened with Romney in London. Reading her blog you’d assume he had a brief layover at Heathrow before flying off to Israel. Like a Pravda editor, if it’s not good news for Romney it’s not news to Rubin.
Speaking of uncanny prescience, and never being wrong, here is the man who set-up the ChristianMingle shidduch between dewy ingenue Sarah Palin and smells-like-Ben-Gay-and-creamed-corn John McCain, and who once said:
…on Hillary’s chances this time:
The easiest way Hillary can be stopped is if she stops herself. She can choose not to run. Indeed, Time reports “on good authority” that “Hillary Clinton has not decided whether to run for president again.” There is a reasonable chance she’ll decide not to.
Well, yes. There is that, she could decide not to run or to become the new baseball commissioner or maybe have an aneurysm in which case Kristol will probably take the office out for well drinks and awkward high fives because he finally nailed one., so we’ll give him that one. And now into the weeds:
Hillary is very likely to be out of step with the Democratic primary electorate in 2016—too close to Wall Street, too establishment, a prominent part of an administration that employed drone strikes and used the NSA in all sorts of dastardly ways. For Democrats in 2016, Hillary Clinton might be too much of a . . . Clinton Democrat. She’ll have a tougher nomination fight than everyone now expects.
Remember when Bill Clinton ruined Barack Obama’s chances at re-election when he spoke at the nominating convention to the American public and not to a chair?
I remember it well. It was one of Obama’s Katrinas.
Wrap it up, Kristol. The cupcakes have cooled:
It’s more likely that Hillary goes down in the general election, a representative of the old order losing to a younger, fresher Republican face. Time claims, “One widespread forecast holds that Clinton is poised for a cakewalk of historic proportions.” One would like to see what analysis that forecast is based on, and whether it’s “widespread” among anyone other than Clinton loyalists.
The Bill Kristol Underpants Gnome Path To The Presidency
- Sarah Palin
- Face lift
As a feminist, Hillary surely knows that when your husband’s been president, you’re not really breaking any glass ceilings on behalf of womankind. And lots of other women understand this as well.
Speaking of Bill, one gathers that he does very much want Hillary to run. It will be a liberating moment for Hillary—and perhaps an inspiring one for other women—when she decides that she doesn’t have to do what her husband wants.
Hillary likely won’t run. If she does, she likely won’t win.
So it really boils down to Hillary deciding to not run to become the first woman president because that would be a big ol’ F-U to Bill for that blowjob. This makes total sense because that is exactly how “feminists” think because everyone knows, even feminists who refuse to cook for the patriarchy, that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Just like those cupcakes which have probably cooled enough for for icing now. You guys can take turns licking the bowl afterwards…