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‘Hobby Lobby’ Is Not Slang For ‘Vagina’ – A Guide For Guys

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You lead a busy life. When you’re not wasting time at work, bip-bopping around the internet checking out ESPN.com or looking at pictures of hot actresses without their make-up and wondering if you’d still ‘do’ them, you still make time to do your real job: whether it is processing an insurance claim or finally answering that annoying 911 emergency call.

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You can’t be expected to know everything that is going on in the world, which is why we’re here to help.

Today you are probably wondering: ‘what is up with this #hobbylobby thing?’ That is why we are here; to explain stuff so you can boldly go into the world fully armed with opinions about ‘things that are going on.’

So let’s get started:

What, exactly, is a Hobby Lobby?

Hobby Lobby is a craft store chain with a Christian bent, mostly located in SmallTown, America, which sells glue guns, glitter, fake flowers, scrap-booking supplies, ironic hipster Jesus t-shirts, and cheap Chinese bric-a-brac to Americans who are killing the hours until the End Times arrive ….. which should be any minute now.

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Why are they in the news?

The owners, who are more Jesus-y than Jesus, have a small problem with the part of the Affordable Care Act that says that their employees should get a full array of contraceptive choices in their company insurance plan. Specifically, they have a real hard-on for the  ‘Morning After Pill’ which they regard as ‘abortion in a pill’ because a truly righteous women would already be on the pill, and anyone who needs Plan B is obviously a  impulsive cock-monster  whore who can’t control her libido after a pitcher or two of mango sangria at Applebees. Presumably Hobby Lobby doesn’t want their mainly female workforce to be coming in late to work every morning because they had to stop at the drugstore for an abortion pill and a Twix bar. Anyway, the owners of Hobby Lobby took their complaint to the Supreme Court to get them to make the government stop compelling them to shove abortion pills down their employee’s throats.

Is Plan B really an abortion pill?

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No. However Chief Justice John Roberts said that the belief that something is an abortion is enough to allow an religious exemption to federal law. So, if you believe it, it is true.  This is what is known in legal circles as “The Orly Taitz Rationale.”

Why is the Supreme Court involved?

It’s a Freedom of Speech/Religion thing and the Hobby Lobby people point to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) which says that the federal government cannot burden their religious liberty to keep their  employees from being sluts.

Do any other companies feel this way?

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Conestoga Wood Specialties is in court too, but nobody pays attention to them because their name doesn’t rhyme. If they were ‘Conestoga Yoga,’ they would probably get a lot more play because people would wonder what positions our plucky pioneering ancestors used when opening up this great country of ours. Instead, they make kitchen cabinets.  That is  so boring.

So this is all about religion, right?

Ostensibly, yes.  Christian fundamentalists believe that the Bible tell them that Jesus thinks that  birth control and abortion are ‘non-starters’ although He never says that in so many words. There are hard and fast rules about mixing fabrics and eating shrimp, but not so much about slut pills and IUD’s. Calls from the Supreme Court to Jesus to discuss ‘original intent’ are not being returned. As usual…

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What is Hobby Lobby’s  argument?

People who support Hobby Lobby generally believe that the government should not be in the business of compelling anyone, including insurance companies, to provide contraceptive care to women. They don’t believe that sexual health is a medical issue and what this is really all about is women wanting to have no-consequence sex.  Therefore, their argument boils down to: I don’t want to pay for your birth control pills either through my tax dollars or as part of the pool of money through which all insurance companies cover costs. Also: you are a whore and isn’t it enough that I have to pay for your STD treatments, you disease-ridden skank?

Sometimes they’re not even that nice…

Do they also feel this way about Viagra?

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According to Twitchy, we are not allowed to talk about Viagra coverage, so let’s the leave the four-hour boners out of it.

That doesn’t seem fair.

It’s not, but you’re probably thinking with your dick.

Are there any other reasons people don’t like the contraceptive mandate?

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Yeah. The president is a black guy.

Is there anything else I should know about the case against the mandate?

What is also at stake here, in light of Citizens United, would be a far-reaching decision whether corporations are not only a person, but are also a religious person whose personal religious beliefs trump those of their employees.

That doesn’t sound good.

It’s not.

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So, how’d it go in court?

Well the lady justices – Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsburg – are pretty hard core in the ‘your religion does not trump my physical health’ camp, but they’ll probably be accused of thinking with their lady-parts and not their lady smarts’ because, you know….women. Stephen Breyer is kind of waffling around and trying to not offend anyone as usual. Thomas and  Strip Search Sammy Alito are always predicable pro-Jesus, anti-women  votes. Scalia is still the Honey Badger of Constitutional law: he doesn’t give a shit, he’ll trample and shred precedent, even if it is his own. Chief Justice John Roberts is doing his constipated face again, trying to straddle the line between law and his personal beliefs, and hopefully suggesting a delineation between “closely held corporations and public-traded ones” when it comes to the religious personhood of companies.

As the Dahlia Lithwick put it:

The rights of millions of women to preventive health care and workplace equality elicit almost no sign of sympathy or solicitude from the right wing of the bench today. Nor does the possibility that religious conscience objections may soon swallow up the civil rights laws protecting gay workers, women, and other minorities. Religious freedom trumps because we’re “only” talking about birth control.

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Shit. It’s going to come down to Anthony  Kennedy again, isn’t it?

Of course.  Keep in mind that Kennedy is a 77-year-old Catholic. When he was in his sexual prime, the female orgasm and homosexuality hadn’t even been invented yet. Kennedy, is forever called the ‘swing vote’ which is stupid since he’s pretty much a conservative straight down the line. So, not looking good.

So, what does this mean for women?

They’re screwed. And not in the fun non-procreational hot ‘n sweaty laughing-after-simultaneous-orgasm way.

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That sucks.

Yup.

 

[female belly with contraception pills on Shutterstock]


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