When we last left the future presidential prospects of New Jersey Governor and teacher-yeller-atter Chris Christie, the barely breathing carcass had washed up on the Jersey Shore where it heaved and gasped and stunk up the area like a week-old chum bucket left in the sun.
It seemed that only thing keeping it alive were the tender ministrations of the cast of Joe Scarborough’s morning chit-chat-bullshit show for DC beltway gossip lampreys. Joe & crew spent each day running down to the waterline, cupping water in their hands, and then splashing it on the Christie campaign’s crisping skin. Also, too: tongue baths were administered.
All this in an attempt to keep supple the thin hope that the tides of public opinion would eventually change and all of Christie’s hopes and dreams would flounder back into deeper waters and run for the bottom until things chilled out and short-attention-span Americans forgot that his administration pulled a dick revenge move against the mayor of Ft. Lee and got busted for it.
Soon, even the Morning Joe people cut bait after remembering that the fish rots from the head down.
But enough fish talk.
Good news came for Chris Christie last week after New Jersey taxpayers paid, at Chris Christe’s behest, for an investigation into Chris Christie’s involvement in something that people in Chris Christie’s administration did for Chris Christie. And guess what it said? No, really, guess…
Without actually interviewing many of the principals involved in the bridge lane closures, the attorneys running the investigation said that Chris Christie is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being they’ve ever known in their lives. They also said that Christie’s deputy chief of staff , Bridget Anne Kelly – whom they also didn’t interview and who wrote the “some traffic problems in Fort Lee” smoking gun email – was an emotional basket-case irrational scorned-woman whore-slut who was probably having her period the whole week the bridge lanes were shut down.
Or, as the legal abstract put it: loved him, hated her.
The best part of the release of the ‘exonerating’ report released last Thursday was that timing couldn’t have been better to coincide with Christie’s interview with ABC’s Diane Sawyer mere hours after the release of the report , and with Fox News’ Whitest Lady On Earth, Megyn Kelly on Friday morning. If one were cynical, one might suspect that the timing of the interviews was part of a orchestrated campaign designed to re-inflate Christie’s national image, in the wake of the reports release, with an eye towards 2016 – which is a presidential election year, or so I am told.
Of course not everyone, by which I mean people not trapped in the gravitational pull of Chris Christie, bought the report, with many calling it a whitewash, to which lead
whitewash Gibson, Dunn, and Crutcher attorney Randy Mastro said “suck it” and also pointed out that he’s a Democrat and therefore uninterested in a $1 million in billable hours.
(Cue Gibson, Dunn, and Crutcher awkward white people staff high-fives, leaping chest bumps, and exploding make-it-rain terrorist fist bumps.)
Meanwhile Christie, whom the Mastro report piquantly described as not “knowin’ nuffin’ ’bout no bridge lane closure-ers” was back in front of the press on Friday afternoon bullying them (“cut back the commentary” and “get the facts right if you want to ask me a question”) for reporting that he and the people he had hired and created high-paying jobs for were a clown car of stupidity, vindictiveness, and vitriol.
So Chris Christie is back (providing he didn’t make the most fatal-est misstep a Republican can make short of hugging a black man) and everyone who flirted with Rand Paul or Marco Rubio will now come crawling back and kissing his ass because, when you piss off Chris Christie, he has the people who now how to get back at you even though he totally knows nothing about it.
And he’s willing to spend another million taxpayer dollars to prove it….
[Chris Christie – Morning Suckers via Donkey Hotey on FLICKR, Creative Commons licensed]