Joel McHale attacked everyone, regardless of political affiliation, at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner last night.
“Good evening, Mr. President,” McHale began. “Or as Paul Ryan refers to you, ‘Yet another inner-city minority relying on the federal government to feed and house your family.'”
“I’m a big fan of President Obama. I think he’s one of the all-time great presidents — definitely in the top 50,” he said.
“All right,” he continued, “I know it’s been a long night, but I promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Chris Christie’s presidential bid.”
“Now, allow me to tell you a little about myself. My name is Joel McHale. I’m on an NBC show called Community. I also host a show called The Soup, which is on the E Network. To Republicans in attendance, E is the channel that your deeply closeted gay son likes to watch. Democrats, it’s the same channel that your happy, openly gay son likes to watch.”
“E is also home to the Kardashians, who — believe it or not — are Republicans. And I know that, because they’re always trying to screw black people.”
He then began to attack other Republicans, most notably, Chris Christie, who was in attendance. “Governor, do you want bridge jokes or size jokes? Because I’ve got a bunch of both. I could go half and half. I know you like a combo platter,” he said, before launching into an brilliant parody of Christie’s “Bridgegate” press conference.
“I’m sorry for that joke, Governor Christie. I didn’t know I was going to tell it, but I take full responsibility for it. Whoever wrote it will be fired. But the buck stops here. So I will be a man and own up to it, just as soon as I get to the bottom of how it happened, because I was unaware it happened until just now.”
“I’m appointing a blue-ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke I just told. And if I find any wrongdoing on my part, I assure you I will be dealt with,” he continued.
“I just looked into it. It turns out I’m not responsible for it. Justice has been served.”
He then lit into the cable news networks, beginning with “the most trusted name in news.”
“CNN is desperately searching for something they’ve been missing for months — their dignity,” he said. “At this point, CNN is like the Radio Shack in a sad strip mall. You don’t know how it’s stayed in business this long. You don’t know anyone that shops there.”
“Fox News is the highest-rated network in cable news,” he continued. “And it’s all thanks to their key demographic, the corpses of old people who tuned in to Fox News and haven’t yet been discovered.”
He wrapped up his speech by praising the country that allowed him to make it. “Here’s why America is the best country in the world,” he said. “A guy like me can stand before the president, the press and Patrick Duffy and tell jokes without severe repercussions. And instead of being shipped off to a gulag, I’m going to the Vanity Fair after-party. That’s right. This is America, where everyone can be a Pussy Riot.”
Watch McHale’s performance via CSPAN below.