Oh, this is soooooooooo adorable that it will make you want to shit kittens who wear little pirate hats and speak with baby voices…
One of the lesser idiots at Breitbart, but an idiot all the same, has written one of those cute manifestos that overly wordy weirdos write from time to time, usually followed by standing on a kitchen chair — SpongeBob SquarePants bath-towel tied around the neck like a cape for dramatic effect — and delivered to several disinterested cats lazily grooming themselves and planning their own worldwide domination.
David Shapiro, angling for a spot to become the most mocked Shapiro (and good luck with that, Sparky) at at Ghost Breitbart’s House of Cash Your Paycheck Quickly is not going to take your shit anymore, you guys.
Or should I say, you “minions” and “acolytes.”
Here is how his Second Declaration of Independence opens — prepare to feel your nipples harden with excitement and anticipation:
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to assume that their president, hostile to the principles that formed the nation and determined to act with malice toward its inhabitants by suppressing their rights and enabling its enemies to prosper in their attempts to destroy it, must be confronted, a rational response for the nation is to encumber itself no more with such a president and reject his authority and the acolytes who carry out his wishes.
Slow down there, little secessionist buddy, let’s not shoot our wad in the first sentence, ‘kay?
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but their gifts are varied, and it is through the voluntary efforts of the fortunate among them to care for the less fortunate, not the province of a government to intrude on the natural imbalances that arise from the human condition, that the sanctity of ethically earned property is not to be compromised by a government eager to impose its will to address such imbalances, that when a president or member of the government flagrantly ignores the restraints of the Constitution of the United States they be punished with expulsion from the government; that when despotism in the form of such behavior arises it is the duty of the people to throw off such government and elect representatives who honor the foundational principles that underlie the nation’s existence.
Sounds kind of commie, doesn’t it? Yup. Definitely commie.
Here comes THE BOOM!:
We, therefore, the people of the United States of America, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do swear, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these States, that we are independent of said president and his minions, that we resolve not to eschew the rule of law and remove such persons from power by force, but rather to uncompromisingly and unstintingly work without hesitation to replace them now and forevermore by voting them out of power, and continually voting them out of power until their values are seen for the enemy of our principles that they truly are.
Wait. What? No pitchforks? No torches? No AR15’s for watering the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants?
Nope. Apparently the ‘Great and Glorious People’s Uprising Against Tyranny and That Black Guy Who Tyrannizes’ is more like,”We are TOTALLY going to vote SO HARD when the elections come around. Look upon my vote, ye Mighty and despair. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”
This is what happens when you mix two liters of Mountain Dew Code Red with a thesaurus and unctuous self-regard and then leave it home alone without adult supervision.
Now someone go talk David Shapiro down off the roof before his parents get home because the Power of the SpongeBob cape will not allow him to fly.
Or, better yet, let him find out for himself…