Stephen Colbert tries to outdo Fox News’ Ben Carson for most outlandish Ebola panic
On last night’s episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert lampooned mainstream media coverage of the Ebola “outbreak” in America.
“Folks,” he began, “I’m so happy you’re joining us. We tape the show at 7 o’clock, so by the time you’re seeing this — you’re probably dead.”
“Because this week the Ebola outbreak that’s been ravaging West Africa finally spread to West West Africa — America,” he said before playing a montage of sensationalistic CNN and Fox News coverage of the arrival of two American aide workers stricken with Ebola in Atlanta.
“Yes,” he yelled, “we’re all afraid!”
“About a coming Ebola outbreak!”
“Everyone is on high alert!”
“Here’s how the plague has spread so far,” he continued. “Two American health workers who contracted the disease while treating patients in Africa have been evacuated to Emory University for emergency medical care.”
“It brings me no comfort to know that Ebola is spread only through intimate contact with bodily secretions such as vomit, blood or feces,” Colbert said.
“Speaking of vomit, blood, and feces — Donald Trump tried to warn us of this looming pandemic via Twitter, saying that the U.S. should ‘treat them, at the highest level, over there.'”
“Yes,” Colbert said, “we should have treated these desperately ill Americans at the highest medical level available in Liberia. No Civil-War-era medical technology should be spared — the freshest leeches! The finest bite-sticks!”
“The number of new Ebola cases in the U.S. is impossible to count,” Colbert said, “because it is zero. But just because Ebola is catching in America doesn’t mean Ebola can’t catch you! Fox News brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson, infect us with your fear!”
He then cut to a clip of Carson on Fox News, in which he said, “if there were a container of contaminated urine, and it somehow managed to find its way to someplace…and someone comes up to a lab worker, knows he’s got the urine, asks him, ‘How’d you like to have a million dollars?’ Then there’s a little transaction there.”
“Somebody’s going to say, ‘That’s crazy!'” Carson said. “But it’s not. Such things have been known to happen.”
“Now,” Colbert replied, “You may say that Dr. Ben Carson is just yanking shit out of his ass, but remember — that’s another way Ebola is spread. Dr. Carson is right! We must guard against the worst case scenarios, and I can think of much worser scenarios.”
“Let’s say the terrorists inject the urine into circus lions, and then release them into a Boy Scout Jamboree,” he conjectured. “Or more plausibly, let’s say there’s an opera company on their way to a gig, but their bus breaks down outside of the CDC. They start singing, hit a high C, causing all the vials of urine to shatter. Then a cold front moves in, sucks all the Ebola into the sky — suddenly, it’s raining death pee-pee!”
He continued to spin out his “even more plausibler” scenario for another few minutes. The bit can be seen in its entirety on the August 7, 2014 episode of The Colbert Report available below via Hulu.