John Oliver: Scotland seeks divorce because England has been ‘a little bit of a dick’
On HBO’s Last Week Tonight, host John Oliver introduced America to the complexities of Scotland’s upcoming vote to make it an independent country, separate from Great Britain.
Explaining that most Americans only know Scotland from Shrek movies and the Mel Gibson film Braveheart, Oliver explained that “nothing screams freedom quite like a millionaire Australian anti-Semite.”
Oliver detailed Scotland’s contentious relationship with England by first explaining that it is currently a member of the United Kingdom — which is not a country, but a “complicated political and complicated union”– formed in 1707.
“So Scotland and England have been involved in something of a 300-year-old arranged marriage,” he explained, “And look, I will be the first one to acknowledge, England has been a little bit of a dick since the honeymoon. In 1746, we actually banned the kilt, just because we knew they liked it. And then, we chose ‘God Save the King’ as the U.K.’s national anthem, a song which, at one point, had a verse referencing ‘rebellious Scots to crush.’ Although, to be fair, we later realized that was wrong and replaced it with a line about pissing on the Welsh.”
Oliver mocked the name of the campaign designed to keep Scotland a part of the UK, “Better Together,” saying “it sounds like what people say to convince themselves to stay in a dead marriage.”
Agreeing with some pro-independence commentators, Oliver conceded, “Scots know how to run a country.”
“When they got to choose a national animal they selected, and I swear this is true, a unicorn.” he said. “Who knew you were allowed to do that? Pick a fictional animal. Yeah, America is probably kicking itself for choosing the bald eagle now, aren’t you? You could have picked a wookie in a top hat, or whatever the f*ck Grimace is.”
Pointing to a picture of Grimace — a purple triangular McDonald’s cartoon character — Oliver stated, “He looks like a magic genie granted a wish to Gorbachev’s birthmark.”
Oliver concluded the segment pleading with Scotland to not secede by eating haggis, listening to bagpipe music and introducing a dancing unicorn.
Watch the video below, from Last Week Tonight: