Ready to have some Duggar sexytime tips shoved down your throat? Of course you are…
To the best of our knowledge, Arkansas breeding stock Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have successfully had sex a minimum of 19 times, each resulting in a little J-named Duggar — Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, Josie, and Jinger –the one who was born without a soul.
And as far as we can tell, nobody in the history of the world has ever said out loud, or using their inside-the-head-crazy-thought voice, “I bet they have hawt hawt hawt bumpin’ ugly all-nighters.” And less than zero people have ever wished that Jim Bob and Michelle would share with the world what goes on in those all-nighters when they’re getting their baby-makin’-for-Jesus groove on.
Well, that ends today, because ignorance is only bliss when it comes to evolution. Or climate science. Or how magnets work.
The New York Post’s Page Six has the hot scoop, because it was a slow day and there hadn’t been a Kardashian sighting for minutes and deadline was coming up and — quickly now — make up some gossipy bullshit for our low-info meathead readership.
Then some evil genius/sadistic bastard said, “How’s ’bout we get the Duggar’s to share some humpin’ tips. They seem real good at it”
So this happened:
Yeah, uh no. Do not want to know this about them. Nope…..
But since we have gotten this far…
“In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted,” Michelle told “Today.” “Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you. … Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.”
Yes. That is right, ladies. You may be exhausted after a long day of taking care of your NINETEEN GODDAM KIDS, but when your own personal Jim Bob walks in that door you are a Open-All-Hours 24/7 Full Service Boner Garage.
It’s probably in the Bible somewhere, maybe the Book of Lubricants … I’d look there.
Tell us more, if you must:
2. A quick engagement is the way to go.
According to the Duggar kids, when you hit hitchin’ age (age of consent in Arkansas: 16ish for the gals) you find yourself a Christ-loving partner, agree that the world is only six-thousand years old, make eye sex with each other, then a Vegas wedding. Shouldn’t take more than eight hours, ten tops. After that: see rule number one.
3. If you want to attract a ‘godly man,’ you need to be a ‘godly woman.’
Here, I’ll let the Duggar girls, Jana, Jessa, Jill, and soul-less Jinger explain this one:
“We know that a godly girl is not someone who has lived a ‘perfect’ life but is someone who has received God’s forgiveness and is seeking to put the past behind her and choosing to live every day for Him.”
Okay, whatever you say, FORMER sluts.
4. True love waits for sex.
See number two, and by “waits,” they mean immediately exit the Elvis chapel, go around back, and hump against the wall by the dumpster just like everyone else in Vegas does …. but without the blessing of Jesus. Then: all you can eat buffet, just like Jesus used to make.
5. Men can’t be awesome 100 percent of the time. Only God can.
This seems to be a ‘performance issue’, endemic to male Christians who explode like a San Diego fireworks show the first time they glimpse a bra strap. For that we turn to the Book of Refractory Periods for solace and comfort.
Finally … and this better be about buttsecks:
6. Be fruitful and multiply. “Be fruitful and multiply” is Jim Bob’s No. 1 rule for a healthy marriage.
But actually, it’s the “you keep washing the dishes and don’t mind me back here, I’m almost done” rule at the top of the list.