Things to tweet on 9/11 even though you weren’t really there or directly affected
Today is 9/11 and if it is your birthday, it sucks to be you. When you tell people they always get that sad look and say, “Oh wow, bummer man,” then they offer to buy you lunch at Arby’s or some other place to help you forget that your birthday falls EVERY YEAR on The Day The Eagle Wept.
This is a very sad day for every American who is not Bill Kristol — for whom 9/11 was the causus for his belli— and it is impossible to not note it because it’s the actual date like the 4th of July and not like Thanksgiving which won’t settle on one goddamn day and just keeps moving around to random Thursdays. You suck, Thanksgiving. I hate you.
Because the Twitter exists to give voice to everyone with a dial-up, it is very important that you acknowledge this event because America loves a good communal sad wallow that reinforces the idea that we are all in this together even though the whites hate the blacks, the rich hate the poors, the olds hate the young, and everyone hates Lanny Davis.
So please go to Twitter and twitter-twat something because that’s why the Founding Fathers invented it when they wrote the 1st Amendment, and if you have nothing to add, maybe something below can be of help.
Royalty-free, of course.
Person who lives in the Midwest: God bless the people of New York even though they are all godless homosexual Jew commie faggots. #tcot
Fox News promo: Why was President Obama golfing on 9/11? We’ll look at that tonight on Hannity with American hero Ted Nugent
Truthers: BLDG 7! BLDG 7! BLDG 7! BLDG 7! Controlled demolition! BLDG 7! BLDG 7! BLDG 7! Mossad! BLDG 7! #chemtrails
Luke Russert: 9/11 wouldn’t have happened if people in America would stop doing drugs when they go out at nightclubs every friggin’ weekend. #GoBills
NRA: A good guy with a gun could have stopped a bad guy with a boxcutter, We’re just sayin….
Dana Perino: Something happened on 9/11? Is this like that Bay of Piggies thingy? Was it bad? #giggle
CNN: Tonight on The Situation Room, a Special Report: MH370 – Did it maybe hit a building somewhere? A closer look. #holograms
Weekly Standard: The Case for Honoring 9/11 Victims by Bombing the Shit Out of Some Unrelated Country Every Year Because #YOLO
Gateway Pundit: EXCLUSIVE: 9/11 hijackers were MUSLIMS just like the President!! Disgusting.
Huffington Post: A look back at the sideboob of 9/11 victim funerals #sideboob #Kardashian
Reince Priebus: Today we reflect upon the events of 9/11/2001. Repeal Obamacare. #GOP
Fox News viewer: Never mind 9/11 !!!1!!!! What about #Benghazi ? Way worse! #tcot #irs #fastandfurious
The Free Beacon: 13th Anniversary of 9/11 terrorist attack on US -How has Israel bounced back?
Scott Brown: 9/11 Bqhatevwr
All New York City sports pages: Did 9/11 hasten Derek Jeter’s retirement?
Social media directors who are not very good at their jobs and will soon be fired: Prices are falling faster than the Twin Towers at out annual 9/11 sale. #BigSavings #HotHotHot
Donald Trump: Notice the hijackers stayed away from Trump Towers? Because they are Quality and wouldn’t have gone down.
Sarah Palin: We memoriate all the first respondermens today who deceased their lives that day for America and Jesus, even if they were union thugs #meth
Buzzfeed: 15 Animated gifs of the twin towers falling that will make you wonder if we have lost our fucking minds #corgis
Ex-Congressman Joe Walsh: I will never forget 9/11 like I forgot to make my child support payments. #freedom
Ron Fournier: Why won’t Obama lead and stop this anniversary from happening?
MRA’s: More men died on 9/11 than women because they were working hard to pay child support to their whore lesbian wives. #feminism
Person tweeting to CNN’s Jake Tapper who will then retweet it thereby proving to the universe that the tweeter exists and that their life has not been a unremarkable and meaningless slog to an inevitable and unacknowledged demise mourned by a few co-workers for a few hours and also their cat until someone takes him in and feeds him and he forgets about them too: I saw it on TV. It made me sad. America. Never forget.
The NFL: We have yet to see the tape so we have no comment.