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World’s Slimiest Person (hint: Lanny Davis) defends Roger Goodell, because… of course

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I imagine nobody saw THIS coming, but embattled overpaid NFL head and penny-counting situational ethicist Roger Goodell has a new defender. Guess who? Go on, guess.

A-yup, Lanny Davis. You know,  this guy:

Since leaving the White House, Mr. Davis has built a client list that now includes coup supporters in Honduras, a dictator in Equatorial Guinea, for-profit colleges accused of exploiting students, and a company that dominates the manufacture of additives for infant formula. This month, he agreed to represent the Ivory Coast strongman whose claims to that country’s presidency have been condemned by the international community and may even set off a civil war.

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Lanny is a eXXXtreme crisis management kind-of-guy, so if you’ve got a big-ass indefensible problem, he is your go-to guy to explain away your genocide or rape and plunder of a nation with, “Y’know, there are two sides to every story and let’s just wait until all the facts are in before jumping to conclusions,” while you stand behind him grinning at the camera and wiping the blood off of your machete.

I was kind of wondering where Lanny –who has blocked me on the Twitter :( — was going to pop us next, with everyone these days in need of a souless greedhead who would deny his client is a cannibal as he helped him floss the entrails out from between his teeth. General Motors, Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, ISIS, the guy who  ate his girlfriend’s brain (not Kanye West)?

Earlier I had speculated that Lanny would be working for ISIS, but that they probably turned him down with, “Look we may behead people and slaughter villagers in ditches, but we’re not total monsters and we really can’t afford to be seen in public with you.  Sorry. Nothing personal. And can you use the side entrance when you leave? Cool. Allāhu Akbar. Kthanxbai.”

Lanny will defend even worse people than that, like Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Pejoratives:

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A man so badly fucked that he’ll hire Lanny Davis is a man who’s finished, and so everyone who detests Daniel Snyder, the imperious prick who owns the Washington Redskins and claims he’ll never change their name, can rejoice. When the client who can’t be defended brings on the fixer who will defend anything, the issue is settled. All that’s left is the billing.

Now we see Lanny NFLsplaining at The Missing Plane Network, urging patience while the league scrubs, deletes, shreds, and disappears any intern who can implicate them in screwing the Ray Rice pooch because, “bitches : can’t live with them, can’t knock them unconscious in an Atlantic City casino elevator and drag their lifeless body into the hallway without everyone being all gay about it.”

In the case against Goodell, Lanny concedes ‘mistakes were made,’ but that Goodell has made some really good moves despite having a  slavering pack of anti-domestic abuse advocates demanding his head be served to them with ranch dressing and carrot sticks. According to Lanny, one of the BESTEST moves the NFL made was hiring former FBI director Robert Mueller, who will be conducting an “independent” investigation into what went down at  NFL HQ.

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“Video? I don’ know nothin’ bout no steekin’ video.”

“Cool. Next!”

Of course, “independent” may not be the term to use for Mueller since his firm, WilmerHale, already has deep ties to the NFL, and they’re not about to bite the hand that feeds them by issuing a scathing report that will make the NFL’s good old boys club look like a bunch of money-grubbing bread and circus sociopaths who withhold information from the public and players hoping to hold onto an extra nickel or two.

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You know, like that study on concussions that Goodell dismissed earlier.

Lanny writes of the appointment of Mueller:

I have read about doubts about Mueller’s objectivity because he comes from a large law firm that has ties to the NFL. My response: Nonsense. Robert Mueller is a former United States attorney, senior U.S. Justice Department official, and one of the most respected FBI directors in history.

Washington is a tough town. I don’t know of a single person in DC who knows Mueller who doesn’t regard him as “untouchable” — a modern-day Eliot Ness, tough with the highest level of integrity.

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Uh, yeah, Right. Lanny Davis talking about ‘integrity’ is like listening to Bristol Palin lecture on abstinence.

Lanny concludes:

“So while Commissioner Goodell made some serious mistakes and dug himself and the NFL into a deep hole, he did a pretty good job of crisis management, especially conveying once and for all how seriously the NFL views domestic violence. Now after all the media and pundit frenzy, it is up to all of us to take a breath and wait for Mr. Mueller to complete his work — and to let proven, verified facts speak louder and more persuasively than innuendo and anonymous sources.”

Let’s forget for a moment that an AP reporter heard an audiotape of an NFL employees confirming that  she received the video months ago, commenting, “You’re right. It’s terrible.” The NFL has an internal investigative  security force that make the FBI look like a bunch of Encyclopedia Browns. NOBODY believes that they didn’t look more deeply into the Rice incident than just the aftermath video they used to hand down the two game wrist slap. And NOBODY believes there wasn’t someone at the NFL who didn’t say, “You know, casinos have video cameras everywhere. Maybe we should look for more evidence.”

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Goodell says they asked for more video but were denied, so you have to ask yourself: why make a judgement without all the facts?

Roger Goodell botched this because the culture of the NFL is all about making money hand over fist out of their little non-profit operation. And Goodell, who made $42 million last year, is really good at wringing money out of networks and sponsors and he is not going to allow anyone to blow this gig for him.

Enter Lanny Davis.

Unfortunately for Goodell, while Lanny isn’t maybe the apologist he needs, he is the apologist that he deserves…

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