As you are probably aware a member of America’s Royal Family is getting married this week.
No, not a Kardashian.
I am, of course, talking about the Duggar family whose television reality show is about a nice Christian
broodmare lady who gives birth to lots and lots of babies while everyone stands around and “ooohs” and “ahhs” about the miracle of creating life, and which is apparently such a rare and fascinating talent that America is entranced. Also, the show features God, although he never makes an appearance. He’s like Charlie in Charlie’s Angels, except he never calls which creates dramatic tension: Will he do a cameo appearance this week? Tune in to find out!
This Saturday, way down Arkansas way where real America is living in sin with Walmart, young Jessa Duggar will wed even younger Ben Seewald and they will immediately get to humpin’ so that Jessa can begin to poop out a passel of Jesus babies for the Greater Glory of God — just like her mama did, making nineteen kids in her 47 years. The wedding is expected to go off without a hitch, providing a sloppy-drunk and weeping Bristol Palin doesn’t crash it while wearing a camouflage wedding dress and screaming that SHE is the one who should be getting reality-show-married, before picking a fight with one of the other Duggar kids.
Besides sharing their wedding invitation online, the young couple have made their wedding registry available to the general public. So, if you’re felling gifty and want this lovely couple (crock pot!) to get off on the right foot (crock pot!) you can send them a gift (crock pot!). Like a crock pot.
Before we get to the registry, a few facts about the couple.
The 21-year-old bride is Jessa, who should not be confused with one of her eight J-named sisters: Jill, Jana, Jennifer, Jheri-Curl, Jolene-Jolene-Jolene-Jolene, Jejune, Joystick, and .gif (pronounced ‘Jif’).
The groom is Ben Seebold whose is nineteen (marrying an older woman because ‘they know things’ according to Time magazine) and is described as a “college student,” although they admit he is only taking online courses which means “not really a college student” in our book. Ben is from Hot Springs, and the Duggars are allowing him to live in their guest house until he makes an honest woman out of Jessa. According to patriarch and head semen dispenser Jim Bob Duggar, Ben pays for his keep by doing chores around the Duggar estate; mowing lawns, cleaning out rain gutters, and we assume ‘bustin’up a chiffarobe’ for Mayella Ewell down the road apiece.
The betrothed couple are heavily chaperoned and never even held hands until Ben “put a ring on it,” as feminist icon Beyoncé would say. Prior to that, affectionate touching was limited to — and I am not making this shit up — “sidehugs,” which is that thing you do when you put your arm around another person and pull them into your side, — unlike a real hug where junk-bumping could accidentally happen leading to tingly impure unGodly thoughts. Also probably anal.
When Jessa and Ben kiss at the conclusion of their wedding ceremony it will be their first kiss. Awwww. No tongues, kids, God and family are watching.
Needless to say, when they finally slip away for their first fumbling “so that’s what it looks like…well, okay I’m going in” sexual encounter, it will also be a first. Unless, of course (NSFW).
That really that is about all you need to know about them before selecting a gift.
Which brings us back to the wedding registry which is loaded with exactly the type of mundane household items (crock pot!) that would be needed by a young couple who never shacked up and had hot nasty sex on a futon in a small sparsely-furnished apartment with like, three plates and a some glasses stolen from a bar. Not that I know anyone who started out that way. Nope.
In accordance with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, food is prominently featured with requests for gift cards for Applebee’s, Red Robin, Buffalo Wild Wings, Panera, Coldstone Creamery, TGIFridays, Chili’s, Papa John’s, Subway, Cracker Barrel (of course), Outback, Burger King, and Domino’s Pizza. Fancy.
Which isn’t to say that Jessa (or Ben because we are NOT sexist!) won’t be doing much cooking because, along with an extensive array of kitchen implements and devices, they also asked for the below item in what I can only interpret as a specific and deliberate attempt to troll me:
Wants FOUR of them. Ha-ha , you guys.
Since their requests are heavy on the practical (crock pots are nice) and light on the fun or interesting, I have a few suggestions that are outside the box because I am a thoughtful person and great gift-giver.
To start off…
The Very Best of Foreigner – On their wedding night Ben could cue up the first song ‘Feels Like The First Time‘ before their ‘first time.’ Providing Ben hasn’t been treating his body as if it was Dave & Busters, it is very likely he will finish with Jessa before the organ intro is over. ‘Waiting For A Girl Like You‘ will be nice for cuddling later in the afterglow of Jessa’s disappointment.
The God Who Wasn’t There – For even later that night when Ben is sleeping — having successfully ‘launched’ — and Jessa starts to have doubts about a lot of things.
Emergency Back-up Messiah Action Figure – The real one is available too. Cheaper than you may think. Also a virgin.
The L Word box set–
INT. Bedroom – Lit by television set.
Jessa and Ben are in bed under a comforter purchased at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. They lay stiffly next to each other, not touching. An episode of the L Word can be seen on the TV.
I’ve made a terrible mistake. I just wanted to make my parents happy…Ooo, that looks like fun. How do I get out of this? Will God hate me?
The same God that put that fine ass on Jenny? If only I had listened to my heart. Oh wow, Marina, you go girl…
Whoops, I did it again.
3-Dimensional Fetus in a cube –
Created by Japanese engineering company Fasotec, the tiny baby cube thing called “Shape of an Angel” is a custom replica of a fetus. Expecting mothers can get an MRI image taken of their baby that gets sent to a 3D printer to create the replica. Each printout comes in a delicate jewelry box and measures about 3.5 inches tall.
With enough babies, these could be used to play checkers.
And most importantly:
Bulk quantity of condoms – In the long run, this one is actually for us, because we really don’t need a world filled with more pasty-white repressed anti-science homophobic god-botherers.
We have enough of those already and they are as common as unused wedding gift crock pots…
Happy marriage, you crazy kids!