Well, the reviews are in and we now know –kinda sorta– what went down when Wasilla’s Royal Family went drunken berserker beast-mode at a birthday party back on Sept. 6.
In a police report filled with multiple conflicting accounts that reads like The Sound and the Fury, but with more “fucks!” and people reeking of alcohol, the Snowbilly Snopes family apparently crashed a neighbor’s birthday party on Todd’s birthday since Wasilla’s elite were all there instead of at the Palin compound because, as several people astutely pointed out, “Fuck the Palins.”
There are so many fun highlights, let’s look at few with some excerpts ripped straight from the police reports because the ALL CAPS-typing adds drama and excitement and the feeling that you are there and you can hear the cursing and screaming and smell the sweat and blood and beer and Axe body spray.
Apparently the Palins party-crashed neighbor Korey Klingenmeyer‘s birthday hoohah that he was throwing for his sons, with the Palins rolling up in a WHITE LIMO because that’s pretty gangster for Wasilla, and also because that seems like something that Sarah Palin and family would do.
Minutes after arriving, shit got real, fists started flying, blood started flowing, slut-shaming happened, and yet no charges were filed because, “Forget it Jake, it’s Palintown.”
When police arrived the Palin’s were attempting to make their getaway –IN A WHITE LIMO — hustling a shirtless bloody drunken Track Palin into the WHITE LIMO before police spoke with him. Police described Track as “angry and intoxicated,” and said he didn’t want to talk to them but Mama Grizzly Sarah insisted that he should and Track explained drunksplained that he had stripped to the waist to fight for his sister’s honor and then he got suckered punched and then a bunch of guys jumped him.
According to multiple witnesses, Track started the fight and got his ass kicked. We’re going to go with “multiple witnesses” on this one, including the one who saw Track trying to pick a fight earlier with his dad, Todd, because we bet that happens a lot.
According to unwilling-host Klingenmeyer, he was unhappy when the Palin’s showed up in teh first place and became even more unhappy when he heard about fighting outside his home. After going outside he encountered the Wrath of Bristol, Knocked-Up Teen Mom Emeritus and Lead-footed TV Dance Stomper.
Here’ let’s look at how Bristol describes the encounter:
…and, Rashomon-like, here is the view from Korey:
But, no, Janice Schnell did not have video or TMZ would have made her richer than Oprah by now and she could have blown that podunk Wasilla town for the bright lights of Sitka.
Let’s see where was the rest of the family?
Well Todd was running around trying to start fights and ended up with a bloody nose for his efforts. Daughter Willow was — besides being very drunk — mad that people kept yelling, “Fuck the Palins,” and wanted them arrested.
And Mama Sarah?
Well, she just stood on the sidelines screeching and babbling incoherenly like Sarah Palin does and — also too — refusing to leave when Klingenmeyer tried to make her and her horrible horrible family go away.
Which pretty much also describes Sarah Palin’s career and how America feels about her since she flopped as a Vice Presidential candidate, when you think about it.