We all know that the sanctity of marriage, the very foundation of civilization, is under attack from the gays who want to pervert the sacred institution by engaging in a devious and hedonistic relationship built on monogamy, stability and permanence. Each and every heterosexual marriage is an act of resistance and valor, a battle in the war to keep this great nation from the hell that awaits us once we allow male on male bridal registry. While every marrying or married heterosexual person can do their part, I would be naive to pretend that certain marriages don't help the cause more than others. The marriage of an anonymous couple who nobody knows about is helpful of course, but the marriage of well known people is extremely valuable because it makes that much more of a statement. It has morality, righteousness, god and star power behind it.
So, I can only imagine that family values organizations from the National Organization on Marriage, to Focus on the Family, to the Westboro Baptist Church are absolutely thrilled by the breaking news that the right to wed has been granted to one of the biggest names in America: Charles Manson! That's right ladies and gentlemen! The sanctity of marriage movement just got a huge boost from the 80-year-old mass murderer serving a life-sentence for the 1969 murder of 7 people and his lovely betrothed, Afton Elaine Burton, who is 26-years-old, and goes by the name Star.
Their story is one for the ages. At 19, Star left her town on the Mississippi River and moved to Corcoran, California to be closer to her Manson. In addition to the sacrifices she made, Star shows her devotion to Manson through romantic gestures like carving an x into her forehead, which almost matches the x that Manson had originally but has since converted into a swastika. If she had carved in a swastika I would have been worried that maybe she was a little crazy or in a co-dependent relationship. But the x says "boundaries."
The marriage license was granted to the lovely May-December couple on November 7 but was only viewed by the AP on Monday. They have 90 days to marry before the license expires. Star told the AP, "Y'all can know that it's true... It's going to happen... I love him." I mean, what's not to love? The toothless grin, the sexy swastika, the overpowering eyebrows? California Department of Corrections spokeswoman Terry Thornton, who confirmed to the AP that the license had been transmitted to the prison, explained that each California prison has an employee who serves as a marriage coordinator and processes the necessary paperwork for inmates who want to tie the knot. Thornton also said that Manson could marry at the prison, have someone outside the prison officiate the wedding, and invite a total of 10 guests who are not inmates. Sadly, for Manson and Star, "family visits," otherwise known as "conjugal visits" are not allowed for prisoners without parole dates. But their love transcends the physical.
Today is a wonderful day for defenders of the sanctity of marriage. It is even, dare I say, a holy day.