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#Benghazi is dead, long live #Benghazi because zombie #Benghazi will never die

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The Friday night news dump is a venerable institution in Washington used by both parties to hide stuff you should know about in plain sight … but if you don’t hear about it, well, that’s cool too.

The  way it works is the White House or one committee or department or another will issue a somewhat important press release late in the day on Friday when most beltway reporters are deep into their cups, trying to wash a week’s worth of politics out of their mouths like a hooker following a jam-packed 14-hour shift.

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This past Friday was no exception with the White House announcing that  Susan E. “Susie” Morrison has been hired as the new pastry chef BY IMPERIAL EXECUTIVE FIAT or something. Upon discovering this underhanded appointment on Monday, Republicans will no doubt want to know how she feels about cronuts versus bagels, keeping in mind, of course, that Israel is America’s bestest friend forever times infinity.

Choose wisely, “Susie,” lest we have #cronutgate.

Let’s see…what did Republicans want us to kinda-sorta know about going into the weekend?

Oh, yes, this (and I have emphasized the key points in case you are in a hurry):

A two-year investigation by the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee has found that the CIA and the military acted properly in responding to the 2012 attack on a U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, and asserted no wrongdoing by Obama administration appointees.

Debunking a series of persistent allegations hinting at dark conspiracies, the investigation of the politically charged incident determined that there was no intelligence failure, no delay in sending a CIA rescue team, no missed opportunity for a military rescue, and no evidence the CIA was covertly shipping arms from Libya to Syria.

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That version is for the reality-based community.

Here it is again if you are a conservative (again, emphasis mine):

A two-year investigation by the Republican-controlled House Intelligence Committee has found that the CIA and the military acted properly in responding to the 2012 attack on a U.S. diplomatic compound in Benghazi, Libya, and asserted no wrongdoing by Obama administration appointees.

Debunking a series of persistent allegations hinting at dark conspiracies, the investigation of the politically charged incident determined that there was no intelligence failure, no delay in sending a CIA rescue team, no missed opportunity for a military rescue, and no evidence the CIA was covertly shipping arms from Libya to Syria.

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Shorter Benghazi report: We spent millions investigating a fake pre-election scandal and we didn’t find dick.

Whoops. How awkward.

Conservatives immediately issued profoundly sincere apologies to the  American public, asking for forgiveness, with many stepping down to devote their lives to quiet contemplation after finding themselves in “disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,” —-

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Oh, who the hell am I kidding?

They blew it off like it was military service, and they were expected to enlist. As if…

Over at Fox — where they previously devoted over 16 hours and 27 minutes to Benghazi coverage — Ed Henry spent a whole thirty seconds on the report, before floating a junior varsity Alex Jones-esque conspiracy theory.

On the Twitter, destroyer of civilizations Bill Kristol sent out his top “I’ll say anything for a paycheck” cabana boy, Stephen Hayes — author of ‘Saddam Hussein, with al Qaeda, In The Parlor With A Candlestick — Yahtzee!‘ (only 99 cents on Kindle, such a deal!) —  to respond minutes after the report was released:

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Like what?

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That seems weird. The first of six Congressional investigations on Benghazi began on October 18, 2012 and, according to my Great American Conservative Women Calendar, it’s almost December 2014.

At which point Hayes suddenly departed the Twitter, leaving us all hanging on and wondering, “When will this waste of resources and time and money finally come to end, because it’s been six committees and $14 million dollars later and you guys don’t have jackshit to show for it?”

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And the answer is “Never. We will never stop, because #benghazi is forever and it will never die. Besides, we need to use it to dog Killary in 2016 and because these guys are still around and maybe, this time, totally this time, we’ll come up with something. Maybe a blowjob…”

Seventh or eighth time is a charm, I hear….


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WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike

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President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.

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