Tea Partiers — by which I mean the Most Patriotic American People Whoever Lived And That Includes the Founding Fathers Who Didn’t Make Guns The First Amendment Because They Were RINO’s — are not happy with Arizona Senator and President in Exile John McCain at all. They don’t like John McCain, probably because he isn’t on TV enough yelling about illegal President Thugbama, and definitely because he hangs out too much with that maybe-homosexual boy from South Carolina. You know the one I’m talking about. Yeah, that guy.
Hot on the heels of unelecting Congressman Eric Cantor from the House for not loving Jesus enough, Tea Partiers are feeling their oats and have decided that they are going to purge the party of race-traitor Abraham Lincoln of all non-believers.
“…in their most audacious plans, Tea Party groups are preparing to recruit challengers to run against high-profile Republicans they accuse of betraying them — as they did when they toppled Eric Cantor, the former House majority leader.”
Got a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who’s naughty and likes Mexicans too much.
At the top of their list of potential targets are politicians like Senator John McCain of Arizona, a proponent of an immigration overhaul. Their fantasy candidate: Sarah Palin, Mr. McCain’s former running mate, who now spends much of the year at her home in Scottsdale, Ariz. Two prominent conservative activists, who spoke anonymously to reveal private discussions, said leading Tea Party figures planned to reach out to Ms. Palin to see if she was interested in running against Mr. McCain.
First off, Jesus doesn’t love me this much, although he does love me enough to float rumors that not-so-good-at-throwing-football-guy Tim Tebow is maybe courtin’ and sparkin’ one of them there Duggar gals. Jingerjamjam or Jawboner, one of them.
Second, it is awfully early to recruit Palin for 2016 now since she’ll probably quit the campaign before Valentines Day next February.
On the other hand, Palin has expressed an interest in holding public office again because her critics make her “want to work so hard for justice in this country.”
… and then quit because the money sucks and you have to show up for work and “do stuff,” and then you’re too tired when you get home at night to catch up on your “stories” you TiVo’d during the day and, ohfegawdssakes, now Todd wants to play “dog sled” in bed at night and bleh, who needs it. Better to stay home, teaching youngest daughter Glacier how to make a proper moosetini. (pro-tip: use mini-Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups instead of olives).
Of course, the irony here is that McCain would be primaried by the woman he plucked from obscurity and made a national figure and now, oh no!, the killer is inside his own house.
Without John McCain, Palin would have eventually quit her job as one of America’s more obscure governors and devoted herself to raising her children, by which I mean holding their hair back while they vomit after a night of drinking and partying and brawling and getting pregnant. Again. Without John McCain’s Hail Mary pass, America would have been deprived of their K-Mart Kardashians.
Now we might get to see a reverse-Frankenstein with the monster chasing its creator across the ice floes.
If only God loved me — all of us really — this much…
WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike
President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.
The White House had signaled the president would deliver his address Tuesday night, but walked that back and the president, insisting “All is well!” in a Tuesday night tweet promised to speak Wednesday morning.
Here are 11 of the most punchable faces of 2017
Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
WATCH LIVE: Sarah Huckabee Sanders holds WH briefing as Trump squabbles with Gold Star families
As President Donald Trump's administration squabbles with the family of Sgt. La David Johnson and Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) over the president's ham-handed attempt to offer condolences to Johnson's widow, many people are failing to ask why U.S. Army Green Berets were in Niger at all.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is expected to receive questions about Niger and more queries about the administration's decision to go on the warpath against Wilson with false charges about a 2015 speech.