Michael Wolff, noted lunch-goer and analinguist to the rich and powerful, recently took a date to a party which went horribly wrong for other party-goers and he wants you to know that he barely even knows that dick he brought along who is out there blabbing stories out of school like a common fishwife.
It seems that Wolff was the person who invited Ben Smith, editor-in-chief of LOL-OMG-corgi ‘Here Are 20 Amazing Gifs Of Baby Elephants Falling That Explain Schindler’s List‘ website Buzzfeed, to the party where , Uber’s senior vice president for business, said something stupid and sociopathic.
Uber, if you are not familiar with them, is that you app you use when you want to play rape Russian roulette with some random guy who might drive you where you want to go in his car, or be a dick, or he may just pull over and kick your ass because sharing his car is caring.
Getting back to Michael and Buzzfeed Ben, Uber’s Michael kinda sorta suggested to Buzzfeed Ben that his company should maybe possibly consider invest in digging up dirt on journalists who are critical of their business model which is built around you getting in a van with someone who normally would have to drive around for hours looking for hitchhiking teenaged runaways.
In particular, Michael directed his ire at Sarah Lacy, editor of PandoDaily, who recently accused Uber of “sexism and misogyny.” Well played, Emil! You certainly showed her a thing or two about the ethics of Uber journalism.
This was also a very wise thing Emil Michael did, saying ‘hey, let’s investigate journalists’ to a journalist. So very smart, Harvard guy!
Which gets us to Michael Wolff, writing for the incredibly gauche 4-color cartoon newspaper USA Today, that he was the one who brought Buzzy Ben as his date and, hey rich people, I’m totally sorry and I won’t do it again. Please still invite me to the Hamptons again where it is safe to wear white linen pants without getting your ass kicked.
First off, Wolff wants you to know that he was specifically invited to attend the Uber dinner with VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES YOU KNOW:
In addition to Uber’s CEO, Travis Kalanick, among the 25 or so guests were the actor Ed Norton, a friend of Kalanick, and his wife, film producer Shauna Robertson; Mort Zuckerman, owner of New York’s Daily News; Clear Channel CEO Bob Pittman; Huffington Post chief Arianna Huffington, New Republic owner Chris Hughes; and an executive at Ronald Perelman’s company, Chris Taylor.
Also….MICHAEL WOLFF, with two f’s. He’s kind of a big deal. Although not such a big deal that he doesn’t sometimes have problems getting a good table at a restaurant, once writing:
If your assistant is any good at all, he or she will have narrowed lunch to four or five places and have, by careful trial and error, measured how far in advance it’s necessary to call in order to avoid rejection and disaster. Repetition – say, six months of bookings – will finally get you a favourable database field and a reliable table (until someone else starts to book who is yet more faithful or famous than you, at which point you’re downgraded).
Please note that Wolff spelled ‘favourable’ with a ‘u’ because he grew up in Patterson, New Jersey, so, you know: he’s fancy.
Anyway, prior to this VERY EXCLUSIVE DINNER that MICHAEL WOLFF was INVITED TO with OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE, Wolff neglected to tell Ben Smith that it was “off the record,” because it was like a “influential,” which is a meeting or dinner that entrepreneurs throw for journalists who cover them because of something something something journalistic ethics.
The dinner was on Friday. On Monday, the Uber hosts called me to say they were getting questions from Smith, and hadn’t I told him this was off the record. I contacted Smith and told him it seemed unfair that Uber suffers for my lapse.
You dick! Showing me up in front of my rich and influential friends who provide me with access so that I can write “journalism” about them. Jerk. Now I have to go into spin mode. Asshole.
Still, if Uber was threatening journalists, then the politesse of off-the-record or whatever obligation Smith might owe me surely paled.
On the other hand, while being off-the-record, or believing you are off-the-record, might mean you are more truthful, it can also mean you are, carelessly, full of gas. Was Michael stating Uber policy, or was this a half-bottle of wine rant? And do you want to acknowledge a difference?
Then Wolff gave Smith some lessons in “journalists ethics.” which seem to be “don’t bite the hand that feeds you crudités with pureed baby panda-toe dip. ” Putz. Jerkface.
…. instead of labeling Michael’s remarks in such OMG, shock-shocked, clickbait fashion, Smith, or a more skillful writer, might have located them with greater precision on the broader spectrum of meaning and emotion.
“Michael delivered his delightful comments with verve and wit as he sipped his apéritif and eyed a comely young waitress he was considering drugging and sodomizing later before sending her home using Uber, which is a splendid and wonderful service and please don’t dig up dirt on me, you guys. Okay?”
After slagging Smith as an arriviste, Wolff pointed out that Buzzfeed is totally just like Uber:
BuzzFeed itself — a financial play as much as Uber is — has key investors who are investors in Uber’s main competitor, Lyft. Those investors are, too, investors in PandoDaily. Does this have any bearing at all on the cost of tea in China? I don’t know. But I know that little in this world is what it seems.
Someone should look into that, maybe they’ll even dig up some dirt, because Michael Wolff doesn’t have time for such matters.
He’s got a luncheon engagement at Michael’s on West 55th Street, and then it is back home to watch Pretty Woman, because that is how dates with whores are supposed to end.
I’ll let you guess who plays Julia Roberts in Wolff’s film-watching reverie….
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