With Presidential election ’16 a fleeting 17,316 (give or take) hours away, America has begun speed-dating potential POTUS mates, looking for the special someone who is a kind and attentive lover and will seductively murmur just the right thing into their ear that will make them ‘pull the lever’ for him or her, if you know what I mean, and I mean ‘vote’ not masturbate in case you were wondering.
On the GOP’s dance-card we discover (among those who have expressed interest) Michele Bachmann, John Bolton, Jeb Bush, Herman Cain, Dr. Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindahl, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Mike Pence, Rick Perry, Rob Portman, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum, and rancid block of cheese covered in a mysterious hair-like mold: Donald Trump.
On the Democratic side there is Hillary Clinton, Martin O’Malley, maybe Uncle Joe Biden, and the progressive fever dream that Elizabeth Warren will jump in and save humanity with her magical Green Lantern abilities.
You could basically seat all of the potential Democratic nominees in a corner booth at IHOP and still have room for Bill, whereas the Republicans are going to need the big party table at Chuck E. Cheese (pizza on the menu – pink eye in the ball pit).
Well put out a setting for one more because Carly Fiorina, the former CEO of Hewlett Packard who was so bad that the board of the OPEC of the Inkjets paid her over $20 million dollars just to go away and never darken their door with cyan, magenta, yellow, and black again, is giving a prez run some serious thought.
Yes, Carly mentioned she has been ‘pausing and reflecting’ on a presidential run while speaking at a quiet little get-together of four Washington insiders on Meet the Press and the seven or so people watching the show from home.
CHUCK TODD: Carly Fiorina, before I let you go, how serious are you about running for president?
CARLY FIORINA: That’ll be something I consider at the right time.
TODD: So are you considering?
FIORINA: Well, when people ask you over and over again, you have to pause and reflect. So I’ll pause and reflect at the right time.
TODD: So that means it’s something you’re pondering? You’re going to go Iowa soon?
CARLY FIORINA: You have to ponder when people keep asking. And I’ve been to Iowa plenty to help women engage and isn’t it fantastic that Joni Ernst won?
Yeah, how about Pig-nutting Palin? Ain’t she a peach! Particularly since she learned to her keep crazy at a subsonic level?
For those who don’t remember — or just want to forget — and for those who didn’t live in California in 2010, Fiorina ran for the U.S. senate seat owned in perpetuity by Barbara Boxer in an election fondly remembered as the Great “Whaddya Mean People Hate Smug Imperious Ex-CEO’s?” Political Crack-Up. That was when Fiorina and ex-eBay (now still cleaning up Carly’s mess at HP) CEO Meg Whitman spent a butt-load of money trying to buy an office at the top of the political food chain because running for city council or state assembly is for little poor inconsequential losers who probably pay taxes and don’t have someone standing by with Purell while out amongst the unwashed masses.
So, you know: go big or go home.
Unsurprisingly, California voters voted ‘Carly go home.’
Now, like another GOP candidate who was soundly kicked in the nuts by the electorate — talkin’ about you, Rick Santorum — in great defeat, Carly has found great opportunity because, when you’ve been dumped by the curb by the one state that knows you too well, there’s forty-nine other states lined up to pick you up, dust you off, and take you home.
Unless, of course, you’re Scott Brown.
So Carly is thinking about running because “people keep asking,” although for the life of me I can’t imagine who that would be, short of Chuck Todd, and nobody listens to him. Like… nobody.
But, what the hell, Carly. Go ahead and run, maybe all the other candidates will get ebola — it could happen — and then you can match up with Hillary Clinton.
God knows the bitchy comments about her hairstyle would certainly be a first between two candidates – not that Lindsey Graham wouldn’t give it the old Lindsey try.
Here is the video of the Carly for California demon sheep ad so you can re-live the magic that was and is Carly: