When God closes a Bachmann, he opens an Ernst
Well, that was certainly some election yesterday, wasn’t it?
If it is any consolation, many of the voters who shoved so many GOP candidates down America’s throat last night will probably be dead by 2016. Democrats now have their hands full luring millennials back to the polls while countering the toxic horseshit of high-end dilettante revolutionaries like Russell Brand.
Maybe make voting ironic? I don’t know.
This election brought to a close the Michele Bachmann era; the ‘Girl With The Faraway Eyes‘ (copyright Charlie Pierce) is putting her political career on hiatus to make some sweet wingnut talking-head cash to support her child collecting habit and to keep husband Marcus in Spanx. Also, too, she bailed because of some ethical issues that might have had her going down in flames after a close run in 2012, so there was that too.
For those of us who chronicle the slow decline of America into a pre-Enlightenment hellscape of anti-science god-bothering flat-Earthers, this is a great loss since Michelle was more fun when you kept in mind that she was on the House Intelligence Committee because both God and his golfing buddy John Boehner are funny that way. Now she’ll just be a minor league Palin without the feral trailer-park cynicism and Peg Bundy wardrobe.
When it comes to crazy, Louis Gohmert will always be with us (thanks Texas!) but he’s easy to dismiss as he is a House member; a breed who who are relatively ineffective due to being part of a larger herd of slightly more ambitious glorified county supervisors.
In a development that is bad for America — but good for me _- the ethanol-huffers of Iowa have seen fit to send pig-ball handling Joni Ernst to the bigs , bestowing upon her one of their two allocated U.S. Senate seats with the other being occupied by ice-cream sex fetishist Chuck Grassley.
Ernst sashayed her way into the hearts of Iowa-nanas (Iowidiots?) with the help of the local press who found her saying :
that Obama has “become a dictator” and suggested he should be impeached; told an NRA convention that she would be willing to take up her Smith & Wesson against the government “should they decide that my rights are no longer important”; spoken and voted in favor of state nullification of federal laws; said she still believes there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when we invaded in 2003; and given credence to the notion that there is a United Nations-driven conspiracy called Agenda 21 that is, as she put it last year, set on “moving people off of their agricultural land and consolidating them into city centers, and then telling them that you don’t have property rights anymore.”
…to be bo-ring as hell. Tell us about castrating pigs after stunning them senseless with your horrific laugh!
So now America has their first Alex Jones Republican because Tea Party Republicans are so passé.
As a bonus — since Bachmann will be taking her delightful Marcus with her — Ernst will be dragging her own ‘ball and chain’ to DC with her by the name of Gail (IT IS TOO A MAN’S NAME) and he seems… charming:
Gail Ernst drew criticism recently over Facebook posts that were made public, in which he called Hillary Clinton a “lying hag,” former homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano a “traitorous skank,” and joked about shooting ex-wives (he is divorced from his first wife). He said:
What do you do if you see your ex running around in your front yard screaming and bloody? Stay calm. Reload. And try again.
The page has now been made private, and these screenshots were obtained by Democratic operatives and shared with the Des Moines Register while still visible to the public.
This forced Joni to thoroughly chastise him for saying things with his outside voice that are best kept as something private between a man and a woman to be used as intimate pillow talk during rough sex.
Gail (MAN’S NAME STILL, YOU GUYS) also mea culpa-ed, saying “I would like to apologize for the inappropriate comments I have made on Facebook, which I deeply regret. It is not the respect that women deserve or the example I want to set for my daughters.”
So, it’s all cool now.
Together they seem like your typical nice mid-western couple who totally don’t have a kidnapped-hitchhiker sex dungeon under their farmhouse that echoes with the sounds of weeping and creepy laughter, upsetting the cows and making them to refuse to give milk.
They should fit in well in Washington.
[Image via Donkeyhotey on Flickr]