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Stephen Colbert: Corporate America winning the war on Christmas by weaponizing cheer

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On last night’s episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert praised TGI Fridays for its innovative use of drones to spread holiday cheer in his “Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude” segment.

“You know nation,” he began, “it’s getting colder and colder outside and I’m starting to get a hankering for some spiced alcoholic drinkable egg — which can only mean that Christmas is around the corner.”

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“But this year in ‘The War on Christmas,’ Christmas is fighting back! Folks, Christmas needs a hero once again, and this year — it’s TGI Fridays.”

Colbert then cut to a clip from the Today show reporting about the company’s plans to attach mistletoe to drones and fly them over the heads of patrons.

“That’s right,” he said, “TGI Fridays is weaponizing Christmas cheer with a mistletoe drone that forces you to kiss — which is something to keep in mind before you take your dad to lunch.”

“But what a fantastic idea this is! The only thing missing from your boozy night out was four whirling blades steered by a sixteen-year-old busboy.”

“Plus,” Colbert added, “unlike old-fashioned, non-autonomous mistletoe, you can’t avoid this one. It brings the forced public intimacy to you — and it even has an HD quality ‘Kiss Cam’ to broadcast your smooch to the whole restaurant.”

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“Which is not only a lot of naughty fun, but a good excuse to ask your waiter, ‘Where the Hell is my Jack Daniels sampler basket?'”

“But folks,” he said, “I think this mistletoe drone isn’t just a great way to spread Christmas cheer, I believe it could be a great new weapon in the war on terror. Because ISIS may show blatant disregard for human decency, but surely, even they respect the international law of mistletoe.”

“That’s why I’m calling on the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to harness this technology — and I assume he also works at TGI Fridays, I mean, look at all that flair — General Dempsey, sir, deploy a fleet of mistletoe drones to Iraq and Syria immediately. Once the terrorists see that festive sprig hovering above their head, Al Baghdadi and his top lieutenant will have to kiss each other — and then, they’ll be immediately stoned to death. Merry Christmas!”

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Watch then entire segment below via Colbert Nation.

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2020 Election

WATCH: Trump shamed Thanksgiving turkey for refusing to concede White House pardon contest

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It was just two years ago that President Donald Trump mocked a Thanksgiving turkey for refusing to concede the election for a White House pardon. As Thanksgiving 2020 approaches, Trump has officially become that turkey.

"This was a fair election... unfortunately, Carrots refused to concede and demanded a recount," Trump announced about the battle between Carrots and Peas.

"We're still fighting with Carrots," he joked in a speech. "And I will tell you, we've come to a conclusion: Carrots, I'm sorry to tell you, the results did not change. Too bad for Carrots."

It's unclear if Carrots still maintains the election was rigged, as President Trump does about the 2020 election. He joined Peas at Virginia Tech’s “Gobblers Rest” exhibit in Blacksburg, Virginia. There students and veterinarians within Virginia Tech’s Department of Animal and Poultry Sciences in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences care for all turkeys given a pardon.

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2020 Election

The View’s Ana Navarro bashes Republicans refusing to stop Trump: ‘They’re going to go down in shame’

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"The View" co-hosts are furious that President Donald Trump is still refusing to stand down after losing the 2020 election. To make matters worse, Republican communications consultant Ana Navarro blames Republicans for allowing the madness to persist for so long that it's now starting to put the United States in a compromised situation.

"Look, I don't know what it's going to take because really it should have happened weeks ago," said Navarro. "States are beginning to certify their results. Electors vote in a couple of weeks, but you know, Whoopi, I keep talking about history and how history is going to judge this. There are going to be books written about this. It's going to be studied by school kids in 30 years and 40 years."

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Oklahoma doctor warns ‘unless we have a smart Thanksgiving we’re going to have a sad Christmas’

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Things are so bad in Oklahoma that one doctor is warning the holidays are going to be particularly bad for families who will be mourning loved ones.

Speaking to MSNBC on Monday, NBC News reporter Morgan Chesky said that daily COVID-19 infections have gone up 140 percent while hospitalizations have increased in the state by 130 percent, so far.

"We're seeing cases of patients having to wait up to 24 hours just to get a bed," said Chesky. "And we know that staffing, they are fatigued and worn down simply because the numbers keep going up in spite of the fact that the CDC has recommended not to travel, we know that people all across the nation are going ahead and packing the airports, attending the mass gatherings."

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