Stephen Colbert: Corporate America winning the war on Christmas by weaponizing cheer
On last night’s episode of The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert praised TGI Fridays for its innovative use of drones to spread holiday cheer in his “Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude” segment.
“You know nation,” he began, “it’s getting colder and colder outside and I’m starting to get a hankering for some spiced alcoholic drinkable egg — which can only mean that Christmas is around the corner.”
“But this year in ‘The War on Christmas,’ Christmas is fighting back! Folks, Christmas needs a hero once again, and this year — it’s TGI Fridays.”
Colbert then cut to a clip from the Today show reporting about the company’s plans to attach mistletoe to drones and fly them over the heads of patrons.
“That’s right,” he said, “TGI Fridays is weaponizing Christmas cheer with a mistletoe drone that forces you to kiss — which is something to keep in mind before you take your dad to lunch.”
“But what a fantastic idea this is! The only thing missing from your boozy night out was four whirling blades steered by a sixteen-year-old busboy.”
“Plus,” Colbert added, “unlike old-fashioned, non-autonomous mistletoe, you can’t avoid this one. It brings the forced public intimacy to you — and it even has an HD quality ‘Kiss Cam’ to broadcast your smooch to the whole restaurant.”
“Which is not only a lot of naughty fun, but a good excuse to ask your waiter, ‘Where the Hell is my Jack Daniels sampler basket?'”
“But folks,” he said, “I think this mistletoe drone isn’t just a great way to spread Christmas cheer, I believe it could be a great new weapon in the war on terror. Because ISIS may show blatant disregard for human decency, but surely, even they respect the international law of mistletoe.”
“That’s why I’m calling on the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to harness this technology — and I assume he also works at TGI Fridays, I mean, look at all that flair — General Dempsey, sir, deploy a fleet of mistletoe drones to Iraq and Syria immediately. Once the terrorists see that festive sprig hovering above their head, Al Baghdadi and his top lieutenant will have to kiss each other — and then, they’ll be immediately stoned to death. Merry Christmas!”
Watch then entire segment below via Colbert Nation.