In an essay commemorating the 150th anniversary of The Nation magazine, filmmaker Michael Moore jokingly announced this week that he is forming “a committee that will study the possibility of an exploratory committee to assess the potential of a Michael Moore candidacy for the presidency of the United States in 2016.”
He went on to announce a potential set of policies for his putative candidacy, writing, “In other words, I’m not officially declaring my intention to run. I’m just saying, should I decide to throw my ball cap into the ring, this is what I would propose to do if elected.”
What followed was a mix of serious and humorous proposals that Moore currently backs for the country, including:
One universal charger cord to charge all brands of electronic devices.
“I will sign an edict declaring that there will be only one charge cord for all brands of all electronic devices — phones, computers, tablets, music devices, cameras and everything else,” Moore said. “Just like all electrical appliances and items have used the same two-prong cord that plugs into the same two-hole outlet for the past 100 years, so too shall there be only one charge cord that will plug into the same hole of every digital device from this day on. I think this plank alone can get me elected, but let me offer a few more promises.”
He said that the voting age should be lowered to 16, saying, “A teenager who can die for her/his country at 18 should have a say in just who it is that will be sending them off to war.”
He would give everybody free HBO, he promised, and forgive all student debt. He would make all colleges free and would reduce the Pentagon’s budget by 75 percent.
“That will pay for the above free college and most of my ideas that will follow,” he said. “We will still have one of the biggest militaries in the world and the ability to blow it up many times over—just not as many times as before.”
“When in doubt, do what the Canadians do: a near-ban on handguns and semi-automatic weapons. An eight-week election season. A return to the paper ballot. No pharmaceutical ads on TV. Strict banking and financial regulations. A refusal to eliminate civil liberties after the terrorists attack. Trade with Cuba,” he said. “And reduce the number of downs in football to three.”
No more corporate-run prisons, he vowed, and four weeks off for every worker in America each year.
And finally, he said, “As Americans, we will seek to be kind — to each other, to the world, and to ourselves. As the president, I will be the first to set that example. I will place education and enlightenment at the top of every agenda, and the elimination of ignorance as my worthy goal. Ignorance leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to violence. That has been the American equation for too long. The road to its end begins with my election.”
“Now,” he quipped, “let’s go watch some Canadian football on HBO.”